Healing
by chicagopd99
Summary: What makes it like a mistake eventually ends up being completely the opposite. This is a story about Upstead. How their relationship grows. There are here for each other, hold onto each other. Some Jay whump and Hailey whump. Lot of angst, love, friendship, hurt/confort, jealousy, bumps in the road.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey Everyone! So here is a new story about Upstead and how their relationship grows. Hope you like it. Please tell me your thoughts on the reviews. **

**Just a little precision, Antonio is still part of the team, well because I love him and he is a great character in the show. **

**Disclamer: I do not own anything. **

* * *

_**Healing**_

Chapter 1

"I need you tomorrow night…" Jay said while he was pouring Hailey some coffee. They have been writing reports all week. They were just impatiently looking forward to the week end.

"Yeah? For what?!" she smirked.

"Well Will and Nat are throwing some party to their place with their respective childhood friends and asked me to come by. Didn't want to so I lied" he cleared his throat. She looked up from her coffee, and stared at him with questioning eyes. "I kinda told them I already had something… and you were the first person who came into my mind."

She frowned. "What exactly did you tell them we were going to do on a Saturday night". She was now curious to the extend of his lie.

"nothing special, ya know" he looked down at his feet. "just that we were hanging out, like any partners would hang out after a hard week"

She smiled "mhhh mhhh" and took a sip of her coffee.

"Anyway, they insisted, I mean really insisted that I bring you on."

Hailey giggled. "uh uh" she shook her head no. "no way I'm doing a double date with your brother and her girlfriend. These two look like horny teenagers when they are together."

Jay chuckled. "did you not listen to any of it? it's not a double date. It's a party" he began to say but she cut him off.

"With people I've never met so this means I will be stuck with your brother and sister in law".

"No, we'll stay together. It's no big deal, we go, we say hello, we have a beer and then we can go home" he looked at her with puppy eyes "come on, I beg you".

She looked at him with a big smile that made her dimples pop up. "Fine. We'll see." She finally declared. "I mean unless any of your exes are gonna be at the party" she said as she began to seat at the table on the break room

"Is that a problem for you?" Jay kept on the same attitude, sitting in front of her.

"Well no, not a problem for me…More a problem for you, see because I'm gonna be looking good and the last thing that I need is some jealous hussy reading into thing wrong, causing a scene" she sighed desperately. Jay giggled and nodded "Guess I'd better take a closer look at the guest list." He looked at her.

"Guess you better."

"Shots fired, Chicago hockey arena" Platt yelled at the group from the end of the stairs. Everyone stood up from their desk, Jay and Hailey came out from the coffee table and all raced to the basement to gear up.

When the team arrived at the scene, outside the hockey shrine, patrolmen had already secured the area with their cars. A patrolman made his way to the team to debrief them on the situation. From what they understood, there is two witness, one of them is injured. The injured one is some weasel in an expensive suit who intends to demolish the arena to make way for condos. The other witness is a contractor who is supposed to be demolishing it.

The team split in 3 teams. Voight and Antonio would talk to one witness, Halstead, Ruzek and Atwater would talk to the other while Hailey and Burgess would be in charge of containing the arena so that nobody goes in or out.

Voight and Antonio walked toward the contractor who was talking to an officer.

"We got it, buddy, thanks." Antonio said to the policeman.

"How you doing?" Voight asked, sticking his hands on his vest.

"I've been better."

"You were in there?" Antonio questions him.

"Yeah, I'm the, uh, demolitions supervisor."

"You get a visual on the shooter?"

"No, but we weren't looking around. We got outta there fast"

"You get sense of what direction the shots came from?" Voight was taking all the information in before going in with his team.

"No, the place is huge. There's a lot of concrete, echoes. I'm sorry" the guy looked down, still shocked by what just happened.

"Those the, uh, blueprints to the arena?" Antonio motioned his head toward some documents on the contractor's hands. .

"Yeah." The man replied, handing them to Antonio.

Meanwhile, Jay and Ruzek talked to the other victim who was injured with a bullet in his leg, being treated by a paramedic.

"This is a friggin' nightmare." The man exclaimed.

"I understand sir." Ruzek replied. Jay tried to keep his calm as this guy was unsympathetic and getting on Jay's nerve. It's been 10 minutes since they've begun to interrogate him. And he has given them nothing. Instead he was using his time with the police to browbeat them about how they should just go do their job.

"How long is it gonna take to nail this guy?" he asked the detectives.

"If you can tell us" Ruzek began to reply but the man cut him off again.

"Because I need to get my men in there." Unlike the contractor this guy was an arrogant asshole who won't even listen to their questions, let alone try to answer them.

"Sir, we're asking you again, are you sure you can't recall any detail of where the shots came from?" Jay asked annoyed.

"I didn't see anyone all right? Why don't you get in there and put my tax dollars to work?" he asked.

This is it. Jay is pissed off. So he thinks it's safe to say the man's attitude protects him from feeling too much remorse when they get the only information he can provide:

"May I?" Jay asked the paramedic that treated the man as he pointed the wound wrapped in some bandage.

"Absolutely." The paramedic replied and began taking off the bandage of the injured man.

"What the hell you doing?" The man asked anxious.

"What you can't tell us, your wound will." Jay replied looking at the wound.

"Dammit!" the man winced as the removal is hurting him.

"small bore, downwards strafe. The shot came from somewhere high." Jay concluded as Antonio approached.

"Which way were you facing?" Antonio asked the man.

"What?" he frowned in confusion.

"Relative to the front door, which way were you facing?" Antonio asked again.

"That way." The man motioned a direction.

"Okay, so west." Antonio asserted as he looked at the blueprints he had in his hands. "So the shots came from around here somewhere." He pointed a location on the document.

"Yup." Jay replied as the began to walk away.

"Thank you, sir. Best wishes for a speedy recovery." Ruzek said sarcastically as he aslo walked away.

While Voight, Halstead, Ruzek, Antonio and Atwater gathered to talk about what they learned form the witnesses, Upton and Burgess made their way to them, coming back from their assignment.

"We've got uniforms on every door. Nobody's been in or out." Upton began to say.

"The guy's likely in there." Burgess added.

"So everybody else is out of the building?" Voight asked.

"Security company says so. There's one guard unaccounted for, but he's on end of shift. Probably gone home, they're trying to confirm." Upton informed.

"All right, good. Let's keep it contained. Everyone put your radio earpieces on. Let's go in" Voight ordered.

So the team know where the two men were standing when the shot was fired, and they know more or less where the shooter was.  
Once they are inside, they cautiously walk, all together, through the corridors. A few meters further, they reach one of the ramp of the ice center, where the victim has been shot.

As they come down the ramp Jay suddenly stops the team from moving forward as he spotted a booby-trap. "Hold-hold-hold. Infrared sensor." He declares.

Without moving, he tries to pass his rifle in front of the sensor. As he does it, a shot is fired and team put themselves in fighting stance with their riffle up. Jay quickly retrieves his riffle.

"Everyone's good?" He asked his team.

"Good."

"No harm" they replied. As they are in a secured spot, Jay repeat the same action, but this maintaining his riffle in front of the infrared sensor. Several shots are fired until it stops.

"Same impact point, each shot." Atwater says.

"It's rigged to go when someone walks across it." Jay adds. "It's out of ammo." He confirms as he retrieves his riffle.

"Clever." Upton says to him as she maintains her position.

"That matches the angle of the bullet wound. That rifle's somewhere in the northeast. I'm guessing somewhere in the stands." Atwater asserts.

"Okay, you and Burgess check it out. Low and slow." Voight commands. Burgess and Atwater retrieve to execute the order.

"So, no shooter. But we got a booby trap." Ruzek declares, still with his riffle up, on position.

"Means we may have more." Upton supposed.

Meanwhile, Antonio looked at the blueprints. "Sarge, there's a secure room, east entrance. Some kind of VIP lounge."

"Copy that. We'll command post there." Voight said as they all walked back cautiously and made their way to the secure room to settled down, with their laptops and radios.

Meanwhile Atwater and Burgess made their way up to the stands where they believe the rifle used in the booby-trap is. They carefully look around before Burgess founds it.

"The gun's right there." She says while clearing the area. "Ready?" she asked her partner once its done.

"Yeah." He replies.

"Cover me." She says before removing the gun from ties that held it steady while shooting. Once she steps back on a secure spot with the riffle on the hands, she examines it and talks through her earpiece "Hailey, I got a serial number."

"_Great, I'll run it through the registry." _Hailey replied immediately.

Once they were all settled in the secure room, the team could begin to investigate.

"All right, we gotta lot of ground to cover. What're you thinking profile-wise?" Voight questioned his team.

"Lots of people not happy to see this place go." Ruzek replied.

"So what, you shoot somebody over a building?" Hailey asked skeptical.

"It's not just a building." Jay intervened while studying the history of the arena on his laptop. "Besides Elvis '57, you got Winston Churchill, the Beatles three times, people met here, people married here."

"Right, big emotional investment." Antonio concluded. "A lot of motives."

"So, who's pushed far enough do something about it?" Voight asked.

"All right, I gotta get inside of that rink. If he's set more traps that's where they're gonna be." Antonio declares.

"Where the heart beats. Go careful, this place is massive, and lots of shadows." Voigt's says.

"Got it"

"Jay go with him" Voight ordered. Jay got up from his chair, grabbed a ball camera, took his rifle and followed Antonio.

When Antonio and Jay are back to where the witness has been shot, they positioned themselves just like before, just behind the Infrared sensor even though the riffle connected to it is no longer actionable as Burgess removed it.

They stay in a secured spot and threw the ball cam toward the center ice. The both of them looked at the screen in Antonio's hands to clear the up and downs of the place.

"Okay, clear." He declared after a moment as they saw nothing suspicious. Antonio put on the floor the tablet and took back his riffle. "Let's move in, a foot at a time." He said as they began to step in the center ice. They had no reason to believe that they were in danger as for now, the only thing that would put them in danger is for laser, trip mechanisms, wires or other infrared sensor. Those are what they were carefully searching for

However, as they stepped forward and forward, shots were suddenly fired at them.

"FALL BACK, FALL BACK" Jay yelled as the two of them retrieved to their earliest secured spot.

"_Dawson, talk to me!"_ they could hear Voight asked them anxious.

"I'm good." Antonio replied, "Jay?" he asked as he had still his riffle up and could not look behind him.

"Uh-huh, no harm.". The both of them a little short of breath. "It's live fire!" Jay said to his team. "I repeat; we've got an active shooter. He's here." He said, still on his stand down position, his riffle up to his eyes as well.

"_Those were targeted shots?"_ Upton asked

"He's here. He's watching." Antonio replied.

"Atwater, Burgess, what do you got from your vantage?" Voight asked through his earpiece.

"_Didn't see any muzzle flash. Could be above us, could be below us." _Burgess began.

"_He's in our blind spot." _Atwater completed.

Upton looked at the blueprints. "Okay, could be the catwalk, could be the gondola, could be the grey seats, it could be the greens." She said before receiving a call.

"we don't see anything on the cam." Ruzek said as he looked at all the cameras of the arena from his laptop.

"We gotta regroup and contain, take this piece by piece." Voight declared.

Hailey hung up her phone and walked to her sergeant. "Sarge, the owner of the rifle" she began to say while waiting for Voight to bring his attention to her. "He was at home." She added.

"Then who's firing on my team?" Voight asked angry.

"It's his hunting rifle. He says someone must've stolen it. Claims not to know that it was missing."

"And you believe him?"

"He is an Ex-hockey player, hockey coach, his rifle goes missing…" she shrugged.

"You know what they call that in the police business?" Voight asked her.

"Hinky?"

"Hinky." He confirmed. "ask uniforms to Interrogate him."

Suddenly a voice arose from the speakers and echoed all around the coliseum. "_Your unit is trespassing. Leave the building immediately. I repeat, you are trespassing. Leave right now." _

Ruzek immediately looked at the blueprints to understand where the subject could have make the announcement. "Okay, the wires run into the press gondola. It's gotta be the announcer booth, northeast corner."

"Okay. Voight spoke. "Antonio, we're going up there." He informed him through his earpiece before pulling out his gun from his holster.

"Antonio, you guys can get at it from the south, but you gotta be careful, okay? It's a long corridor and it's exposed." Ruzek said while getting up, quickly looking at the blueprints before following Voight.

"_Copy that. We're on our way."_

"Atwater?" Voight tried to reach him.

"_We can cover you, he still might be in there." Atwater stated._

Once everyone gathered in front of the Gondola entry, except for burgess and Atwater, they all prepared themselves to the next step.

"Ready" Antonio whispered before everyone nodded.

When Antonio opened the door and everyone entered, the clearance was quick. There was no one in there.

Voight slammed his palm against the wall. "who the hell is this guy?" he asked angry. Everyone looked at each other.

"Young voice. Sounds under 30." Ruzek began to say.

"He mentioned the word "unit", maybe there's a military connection?"

"Or he knows we're the Intelligence unit." Jay replied. He really was hoping the guy wasn't military. He had enough of these cases that hit home. It never ends well.

They began to make their way back to the secure room when Antonio stopped them in their tracks.

"Boss, you calling me?"

"What? No?" Voight turned around to look at him.

Antonio answered the call. "Yeah."

"_Why are you still here?"_

"I'm glad you called, this is Anto-"

"_Get your unit outta here."_ Was all the man said before hanging up.

"That was him." Antonio said to Voight. "Where'd you leave your phone."

"On the table, command post." He replied.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!"

"There's only one way in there." Jay intervened.

They all quickly resumed their walk to the command post. This guy intended to make them run back and forth and was beginning to piss off Voight.

"Get uniforms on the door. Let's go, let's go, let's move it." Voight ordered. "Burgess, Atwater meet us over there. Do not enter. I repeat to not enter".

When they all arrived in front of the secure room, three patrolmen were standing in front of the entrance.

"Officer. Anyone walked through that door in the past five minutes?" Voight questioned them.

"No, sir." One of them replied.

"What, this guy walks through walls?" Voight asked angry.

They all positioned themselves before entering.

"Go!" They entered in unison

Once inside the room, they were shocked to find it empty again. It was not possible Voight thought.

"Search for any trap door or anything. There is no way this guy entered and exited this room without being see"

The whole team began to inspect the floor or the walls or even the ceiling for any escape hatch.

"Boss I've got something" Jay declared as he was facing a wall.

They all gathered behind him before he pushed the wall. The room was made of wood and and covered with wall paper so at first sight we couldn't detect any trapped door. But here it was. A door opened, revealing a secret passage.

"Dammit rabbit hole." Atwater said.

Hailey frowned and walked back toward the table where the blueprints.

"No rabbit hole on the floor blades." She declared as she examined them.

"All right, he's got the upper hand." Voight announced.

"He knows this place inside out." Jay affirmed.

"All right, we're gonna need more intel. Or he's gonna spend the afternoon using this place as a shooting gallery." Voight said.

"When I was a kid and came here with my dad, the usher here used to tell us about hidden rooms, and passages here. Mostly retired guys, took the job here so they could see the game for free. If anyone'd know, it'd be them." Ruzek admitted.  
"Hailey-" Voight began to say but she cut him off before he could finish. She already knew what he was gonna ask her.

"I'll find someone." And with that she began to make calls.

"We should follow his trail before he goes too far and lose him." Jay proposed.

"It's a confined space, we don't know where it goes." Antonio argued.

"Yeah but it's either that or we sit around waiting for grandpa to show us to our seats." Jay replied.

"I'll go with him." Burgess stepped up.

"All right, no unnecessary risks." Voight declared. "And Strict noise discipline." And with that, Jay and Kim stepped in the secret passage. It was dark and confined, so they moved slowly and cautiously.

Jay was the one to lead the way when suddenly he stopped. He though he heard a noise. So they kept still, to wait and see.

They were about to continue after a few seconds of silence when suddenly a can dropped in front of them. Jay's first thought when it exploded was, we're dead.

"FALL BACK GO GO GO!" Jay yelled.

Hailey's Heart stopped hearing Jay after the explosion, all hell broke loose over their earpiece.

"HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!" He yelled as the chemical product invaded the confined corridor.

_"JAY! KIM Talk to me!"_ Voight yelled back.

_"JAY Status Status!"_

"GO! GO! GO! DON'T LET IT TOUCH YOU! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" Jay yelled to Kim. "ADAM GET WATER NOW!"

Chaos rained in her headset and it was a Jumble of everyone. Hailey's heart was pounding and the fear she felt for Jay was hard to contain. She was still on the phone to collect as much information as she could to find a guy who knows this place like the back of his hand. It was all she could do not to get up from her place and go to him. She felt lost in the sea of emotions swarming her. Her heart breaking while listening to the stress filled conversation. She held her breath listening to the chatter waiting to hear if he would need EMS.

Kim and Jay beat it back up the passage to the secure room, where the others find that Jay is _smouldering._ As in, about to burst into flame. Immediately, Jay put his arm in the water.

"I gotta get this off!" They got his vest and smoking uniform shirt off and doused Jay's scorched arm with water.

"What the hell is it?" Voight asked angry.

"Phosphorus." Jay replied, his arms still under the water.

"Who gets their hands on Phosphorus?"

"A lota stuff you can get your hands on in the black market but white phosphorus!?" Antonio exclaimed as he helps Jay and examines his arm.

"Afghanistan, leftovers from the war with the Russians." Jay confirmed.

Hailey is listening, breathing hard as she struggles to stay on her feet.

"So this guy is military!" Burgess added. Jay had a sick feeling. Whenever a military guy is involved, it never ends well, for the guy but also for Jay.

"Didn't break the skin! Your going to be okay" Antonio reassured Jay.

Hailey lets out the breath she didn't know she has been holding.

"And if it had?" Voight asked.

"It would have gone into the blood stream and would have damaged his organs!" Antonio replied.

"Son of a Bitch!" Voight shouted.

At this point the information coming in was relevant and Hailey had to suck it up and do her job. Hands shacking her voice tight with emotion "Okay thank you sir," she hung up. "I crossed reference recent vets with criminal records I have 37 names."

"We need a shorter short list." Voight ordered.

"Hailey, one of those 37 vets might be taken this personally." Antonio stated.

"I'm looking for a connection." She replied as she kept searching on her computer.

"Sergeant Voight?"

"What?" Voight turned around to look at the patrolman calling his name. He was accompanied by an old man.

"You sent for- " the patrolman began to say but was cut off by the old man.

"Charlie Howard." He stepped forward to shake Voight's hand. "I used to be an usher here 77 to 98."

"Sergeant Voight, sir. Thank you for coming." Voight replied. This man was gonna help them.

"Sergeant Voight, let me get something straight. Somebody's trying to stop this demolition and you want me to help you stop him?"

"Yeah, we hear you Charlie, but it's his methods that we're not happy about, live fire, chemical assault against my team…"

"Ok. I got you." The old man nodded.

"And he's a step ahead of us, because he knows every inch of this place." Voight affirmed.

"You mean he's been squatting here?" the old man questioned.

"It's a fair assumption." Voight replied.

"Wow." The old man passed his hand behind his neck before looking back at Voight. "Maybe he found the bunker."

"The bunker?" Atwater asked again.

"It's a presidential secret apartment. I only saw it once." The old man declared. "I mean the man liked his privacy."

"Can you show us where it is?" Burgess asked him as she got closer to him with the blue prints of the arena.

"Hell, no. Not on the map. Like I said, I only saw it once"

"All right. Charlie, this is important here, okay? You remember where?" Voight insisted. They needed to find this guy now.

The old man shrugged his shoulders "I just remember it was near a concession stand."

"There's 24 concession stands." Ruzek stated annoyed. There weren't gonna find him he thought.

There was a brief silence, the old man trying think it through. Then he looked back at Voight excited "Why don't you get up there? You know the old muscle memory might kick in."

"No, it's too risky Charlie." Antonio objected.

"Look, I gotta be on my feet, all right? Trust me, I'm the one that feel it." the old man pushed. The whole team was looking at each other but mostly at Voight. He would be the one to give his permission.

"All right," he finally gave in. "We take him in diamond formation through the concession stands. They got great visibility."

"Ruzek, Burgess and Jay, let's go." Antonio said.

"Hey, let me try him on the cell phone instead. Maybe he'll talk to me." Jay proposed. It was a better idea if he stayed there and tried to connect with the shooter.

"Okay. Atwater, take Jay's place and go with them" Voight directed.

"Yeah." Atwater replied.

"All right Charlie, let's get you dress." Burgess said as got closer to Charlie with a bulletproof vest.

Hailey, Voight and Jay remained on the secured room to collect as much info as they could. Jay took his phone and texted to Voight's phone, knowing the shooter guy had it.

**_"Jay Halstead here. Rangers. Where were you deployed?_****"**. Soon after he sent his text, his phone began to ring. It was Voight's phone on the other line.

Jay answered immediately.

"Halstead"

"_What are you doing in my AO (area of operations)"_ the shooter asked.

"I'm just keeping the peace." Jay replied.

"_Halstead, I need you vacate this area"_ the shooter ordered.

"Copy that. I just need to know that everything is gonna be okay." Jay replied.

'"_I'm not gonna say it again."_

"I'm just glad to be back in the game. I haven't been here since the '94 playoffs. Chicago, game 5. See that game?" Jay changed the subject and tried to connect with this guy.

"_I want to fucking kill to see that game. But I had a tournament in Hamilton."_

"So you play hockey too?" Jay asked. Jay and him had something in common. They were both hockey fans.

"_since I'm 8"_ the man replied.

"So, how did it go on Hamilton?"

"_It's the best we ever played."_

Along the way, Hailey found out that the riffle used in the booby-trap turned out to belong to a former hockey player and current coach, a man who has no criminal record but whose connection to the arena and tale of the rifle being stolen feel fishy at best. She kept making calls to know more about this shooter.

"So What position did you play?" Jay continued

"_All of them." The shooter stated. _

"Really?"

"_We had to think each position. Cover for anyone."_

"Sounds like my unit." Jay had a small smile. "So, why this place?"

"_Nice place. This is where anything that ever matter happens."_

The more Jay spoke with him, the more he could see that he wasn't coping well with letting this place go.

Finally, Hailey hung up her phone and walked to Voight while Jay was still trying to make the man to talk, to one purpose: buy some time to Antonio, Ruzek, Burgess and Atwater to find the bunker and thus, finding him.

"Subject's name is Darren Kovacs."

"Alright find me family for Darren Kovacs." Voight commanded.

"Copy that." She went back to her desk."

"See if you can get military records too." Hailey nodded.

"_You know when you're here, you know what you're for. If you're on the stands, or if you're on the ice. You know what you're for."_

"You feel like you belong, I hear you."

"_You know you can count on your team. Through all the the blood, the sweat, the crowd. That was a promise."_

It's been a few minutes now that Hailey had succeeded to reach Darren's father on the phone. She asked him to talk about his son, to understand what led him to this.

"_It Broke my heart to see him go overseas. He was such a damn good kid. He told me he'd come back. He came back. Most of him."_ his father told her.

"_You know, when things got bad over there, I had one thing that I could hold on to. I knew I'd be back here one day. Back at the Goldwin Coliseum."_ Darren said to Jay on the phone.

Meanwhile, Antonio, Burgess, Ruzek, Atwater and Charlie were still walking around the corridors of the arena to find the bunker. The place where they knew Darren was hiding.

"Hold it, hold it, hold it." Charlie whispered as he stopped the team. "Server uniforms." He read on a sign. "This is it, I'm sure. It's in there." He pointed the door in front of them.

"All right, inform Voight we found it" Antonio said.

"_He sat in my living room there, last week, it it was the first time I saw him since he got back. I barely recognized him."_ The father continued to tell Hailey. While listening, she was looking at Jay, who was still on the phone with Darren.

"_When I get back here, and they're tearing it down I lived through all that. And for what? The lifestyle condos, and the parking lot?"_ Darren said in a harsh tone to Jay. Jay tried to not lose his objectivity, but deep down, Jay understands Darren better than the younger man thinks. Of course Jay is taking Darren's fate personally.

"_He sat there. He was empty. It was like he's mind was somewhere else. Like he was sleep walking." _The father continued_. _

"What happened to him over there." Hailey asked him

"_Never told me." _She could sense the despair in the father's voice.

"Condos and a parking lot, just what downtown needs more, right?" Jay said jokingly to Darren. Voight hang up the phone and got closer to jay, writing on some paper that they found the bunker.

"And he hasn't been getting any professional help?" Hailey asked the father.

"_Uh, asking for help is not one of his thing_". Hailey smiled. She looked at her partner. Darren had a lot in common with Jay.

"Sounds like your son grow up with a lot of expectations around him." she declared.

"_Yeah, but, it never went to his head. Darren was always just… he was always afraid to disappoint the people who believed in him. That's why he worked so hard."_

"And then when he came back home?" Hailey continued.

"_He just cut himself off. Started you know… he wouldn't talk to anybody, he started the drinking, and picking fights with strangers."_

"Did he ever tell you why?"

"_No. I was in the forces for a couple years when I was young. And so was my dad. I mean, that's this way you're supposed to do. You serve your country. But when Darren told me, that he wanted to take his turn, I wasn't happy. It killed me to see him do that. But I always told my son, you make your choices. So I couldn't stand in his way."_

"Where was he deployed?" she asked.

"Kandahar."

"What happened in Kandahar?" If Hailey was asking all those question, it was to profile Darren. To understand what led him here today. Trying to understand him better and help Jay connect with him so he can go through him. So that this case doesn't end up tragically for Darren. Hailey knew that if anything happened to him at the end of the day, Jay would never forgive himself. And that what scares her. Jay is probably too invested now for his own emotional safety. But on the other hand, that might be what Darren needs.

"_Well, he lost his team. Those guys, they meant everything to him."_

Hailey's heart broke a little. What happened to these guys, to Jay, it wasn't fair. "So, after Darren lost his friends, what happened?"

"_Well, they sent him home. Before his tour was up."_

"How did he take that?" Hailey asked.

"He wasn't happy. He applied to get back into combat. But all the requests were denied. They said he was no longer eligible. He wouldn't tell me why. Just that you know, they were wrong, he was a good soldier."

Once the team entered the bunker, the began to clear the area. But Darren was nowhere to be found. While clearing and inspecting the room, burgess caught something on the table in front of her.

"Pictures from the front." She informed the team. "Looks like his unit in Afghanistan. Sending a picture." She said as she sends the picture to Voight. On this picture was written "SYOTOS".

When Voight received it, he handed it to Jay so he could enlighten them about the meaning of the word. Jay looked at it, while still having his phone on his ear. But this word wasn't telling him anything. He shook his head to Voight.

"Darren, are you there still?" Jay reengaged the conversation. But nothing. "Darren?" Silence.

Jay put his hand on his phone so he could talk to his team without being heard by Darren. "You guys must be close, he's not talking." He said through his earpiece.

Suddenly, Ruzek saw some movement on the other end of the room they where searching in. "Hey guys, guys." He yelled at his team. Suddenly, Darren began to run toward another secret passage. "He's on the move."

Ruzek ran toward the entrance of the passage and waited for everyone to join him so they could all go together.

"On three." He said, preparing himself. "One, two, three.". They entered the passage and saw Darren running. "Darren Kovacs! Stop" they yelled. Suddenly, Ruzek saw something being thrown at him. "Get down, get down, get down!" he yelled.

"Adam?" Voight said through his earpiece. He needed to know what was happening on the other side. Jay and Hailey who were also hearing the action through their own earpiece, looked anxious.

"Flashbag. In pursue." Ruzek replied.

"We are coming" Voight said. Now that Darren was out of his hiding place, pacing the corridors of the arena, there was no more reason for them to stay in the secure room.

"He's got down the escalators." Ruzek told them their location so they could meet them there. Some shots were exchanged. But Darren succeeded to lose them again.

Suddenly, the lights of the arena went off.

"He cut the power." Atwater said. They were now in the dark, on the blind.

The team gathered again, looking around but without actually seeing clearly.

"Let me call him back. I can reach him" Jay asked Voight.

"You don't know that. He's injured two people today, Jay, and you're one of them."

"That wasn't personal. Now it is."

"Jay" Voight warned him.

"I got a connection boss. I know where this guy is coming from."

Voight looked at Hailey. She didn't seem convinced by this idea. She was worried about Jay's emotional well-being. This was gonna impact him. But she didn't say anything to not make things worst.

"You'd be objective?" Voight looked back at Jay for truth.

"Yes."

After a brief instant of thinking, Voight broke silence.

"Okay. I'm letting you do this. Let's talk him out. But the minute I tell you to back off, you back off. Understood?"

"Yes."

Jay dialled Voight's phone again. Darren answered.

"_Halstead?"_

"Yeah."

"_Where did you get my name?"_ he asked angry.

"It's it's our Mode of Operation. We like to know who we're talking to."

"_And what else do you know?"_

"I know what it was like over there."

"_You know your war. You don't know mine." He said in harsh tone. _

"I know. Everyone's different." Jay said slowly.

Hailey approached Jay to tell him something. He put his hand on the phone and looked at Hailey, waiting for her to speak.

"Jay, Darren lost his three closest friends in a patrol near Kandahar. AED took them out, he walked away without a scratch." She said to him, thinking this could help Jay to keep connecting with Darren.

"Copy that." He said before taking back his discussion with Darren. It had been so difficult for Darren to be left behind. He suffered intense survivor's guilt. And Jay got that. More than anyone else.

"You wanna know what my war was Kovacs? I'm a long distance marksman." Jay admitted.

"_Sniper."_

"Yeah. And I served with a friend too. Close friend. Matt. He didn't make it. When I found him, he'd been hammered with a 50 cal. There was nothing of him left." Jay could hear Darren's gasp. The team looked at each other, not knowing how to react. This was something very intimate and personal for Jay to reveal. They were used at being shut down whenever they tried to make Kya talk about his military past. Today was the first time he was talking about his time in Afghanistan with them.

"What's your game plan here?" Voight whispered to Jay so Darren wouldn't hear him.

"He has to know, I understand." Jay whispered back while placing his hand on the phone. "He has to hear that he is not alone."

"Ok. You don't have to push too hard." Voight told him.

"Boss, trust me on this. This is what I can do."

Jay went back on the phone with Darren.

"_Me and my guys, we went everywhere together. All for one. But that night, I was thirsty, so I, huh, slowed down to go to my canteen. I was 20 paces ahead when the bomb went off." _

Jay closed his eyes. Darren was feeling guilty. Guilt was a feeling hard to shake off for those who came back from war. "Darren, you didn't plant that AED."

"_If it hadn't been for me, Howie never would have sign up. He did it for me. And now, I have his blood on my hands. And you don't know what that's like."_

"Yeah I do. The shot that took out Matt, that was…" he closed his eyes again, preparing for his next confession. "that was me." He finally said. Jay could feel all eyes on him. But he kept focusing on Darren. "I was taking out targets in a stronghold, 1500 meters away. The reccy was done, I was cleared to fire.

We went down to do the id's, one of them was my buddy Matt. I was sniping with a 50 cal. He shouldn't have been there; I was cleared to fire. And I killed my best friend from 2 kilometers away. I killed him." he paused and closed his eyes as he felts the tears coming out "I … I thought I was gonna go crazy, but I got through it" Jay managed to get out as the memory assaulted him. He could not believe he was doing this. But he knew Darren. This was one guy he could connect with.

Hailey's mind was still reeling from the pain Jay shared in trying to connect. Hearing Jay tell Darren the most painful thing from his past to connect had impacted Hailey.

Darren responded_ "You have a place in your mind you go to when you can't take it anymore. When you think you're gonna die." _Darren sighed then continued _"And you're thinking you'd rather be dead than where you are."_

"Yeah" Jay answered. Not that he would ever tell the team but Matt's grave was his place. But he didn't add that.

Darren shared _"Now, for us … me and Howie … this was it. We knew if we could just make it back, you know. We'd close our eyes, and … we'd imagine ourselves back here at center ice. Now they're gone. Howie's gone. They're not gonna let me back in there. And I got nothing here. I got nothing to see me through."_

Jay saw his in. He could do this. He could talk Darren down.

His voice a gravelly whisper Jay shared "I thought it was over for me too, Darren. I know, okay. I know. But I found a different place to go, a different person to be. That's why I'm here. So let me help you."

Voight nodded liking what he was hearing and thinking that Jay was doing so well. He was making the connection. He could see resolution coming. They had both suffered horrible loses and Jay was getting through to Darren.

Darren asked_ "What was your first name again, Halstead?"_

"It's Jay" Jay answered.

Crying Darren said_ "I'm tired Jay."_

Jay responded "Then let's get some rest. Let's do this together."

Coming to a decision Darren responded_ "Okay."_

Voight quietly said "Nicely done Jay." He then looked at his team. "Alright let's bring it home.".

Jay instructed Darren "Now, Darren I need you to put down your gun."

"_Okay I will" _Darren answered.

"And I need you to come down to the bottom of the escalator's concession area" Jay continued.

"_No" _Darren stated.

"Darren …" Jay started to say.

Darren overrode Jay and stated _"Center ice … and it has to be you."_

Voight interjected "Too exposed."

Jay shook his head frustrated "Darren I can't."

Darren stated firmly_ "Center ice."_

Jay conceded even though Voight thought it was too exposed "I'll be there." He said before they both ended the call.

"All right, let's do this." Jay said.

"I want him covered. Antonio take Jay's rifle. Burgess, spot him. Ruzek, Atwater, Hailey you cover Jay." Voight ordered.

"No need! He's unarmed and in plain view." Jay protested.

"Basic precautions Jay." Antonio replied.

"He trusts me!" Jay insisted. "If he sees rifles what does that tell him."

"Ok, but how do we know we can trust him?" Antonio asked him.

Suddenly, the lights came on again. They all looked around them, adjusting to the light.

"Well, that's your first sign." Jay said. He was making a point.

The team walked through the corridors, to make their way to the ice center. Only Antonio and burgess went to a different path, to take up a sniper post to cover Jay, with Burgess covering Antonio while he's concentrating.

Before entering it, they all went on fighting stance position.

"In position." Jay declared, ready to meet Darren on the center ice.

"You're good to go." Antonio said as he was also in position.

"There he is." Hailey stated as they all saw a man hands up, coming form another entry in front of them. He was slowly approaching the center of the ice. This looks like a win, but they don't take chances. Jay also approached, unarmed, hands up but with Voight, Hailey, and Atwater walking beside him, guns pointed at the man.

Ruzek was covering the group from the ramp.

"Darren it's me." Jay began to speak. "It's Jay. You made the right decision. We're gonna get through this ok?" he added. This was almost over, and Jay seemed satisfied. He might have been too tightly wrapped into the situation but he was seeing it as an opportunity to save a fellow soldier. It wouldn't end up like last year when he would meet Jake. Jay thought he could have go through Jake but when this latter tried to explode a mosque, Jay didn't have any other choice than to kill him. It affected him, more than he would let it appear.

The young man kept walking toward them head down, with a baseball cap pulled down so they couldn't see his face. Just like Jay was too tightly wrapped up in trying to save Darren that he had blinders on and lost perspective.

As a result, Adam didn't see Darren when he got the drop on him. The gun was to Adam's head in a flash. Apparently there was one last secret passage. Maybe Adam should have been more alert to the possibility of trouble behind him-but he could _see_ the subject at center ice, and Darren didn't have an accomplice. There was no obvious reason to anticipate the impossible.

"I'm here." Darren yelled from behind Jay and the others. They turned around to see Darren holding Adam as a hostage. While Jay still had his hands up, unarmed, Hailey and Voight pointed their guns to Darren while Atwater put the stranger with the baseball cap on the floor. "Get down on the ground. Hands on your head. Get down on the ground. Now!" he tells him.

"You see Jay? I'm a good soldier." Darren continues.

"Stop man." Jay sais as he begins to slowly walk closer to Darren. "What are… what are you doing? Think about this. You don't need to do this." He begs him.

The thing is, Darren doesn't seem to have any intention of using Adam as a shield to escape. He doesn't even suggest the possibility. He's disoriented and weepy-as he said a minute ago, he looks exhausted-and he keeps telling Jay that he's a good soldier, getting progressively more agitated.

It's clear what he's about to do, and it's clear Jay knows it: he tries to reconnect with Darren but can't get through to him-Jay's own alarm can't be helping. Jay keeps walking closer to Darren and Adam.

"Jay, stop." Voight tells Jay to keep still

"I mean… think about what you're doing." Jay keeps going slowly, trying to not make any violent gesture.

"Jay" It's Hailey's turn to warn Jay and prevent Jay from getting closer. Jay was not listening to her. And she knew this was gonna end bad. That Jay was gonna end hurt one way or another

"_I don't have a shot."_ Antonio said through his earpiece. Darren was hidden behind the ramp.

"Jay, stay right where you are." Hailey tried again It was no good. Jay could not hear her right now. His mind was too wired. There was too much stimulation, too many voices, energy, memories and emotion for Jay to think clearly or hear her.

"I promised we would get through this, but-" Jay continues.

"_Get him to come to you." _Antonio says to Jay. But again, Jay doesn't do what he is told to. But because Jay knows darned well why it's important to get Darren into the open, he keeps moving forward. He knows that if he makes Darren come to him, Antonio would have a shot and this would end badly for Darren.

"This is something we can work through. You just have to… you just have to trust and we can get through this, ok?" Jay keeps pushing.

"I'm a good soldier. And I needed you to know that." Darren finally admits.

"I know that, buddy, you gotta stay with me, ok? Please stay with me." Jay begs. He doesn't like where all this is going.

"See you on the other side." Is what Darren said before he finally does the thing Jay was trying to stop: he shoves Adam out of the way and steps forward, pointing his gun at Jay and Hailey.  
Suicide by cop-but what can Antonio do, when someone overtly threatens his team mates? So Antonio takes the shot.

Darren goes down.

Everything begins to move in slow motion around Jay. Shock… that was all Jay could feel: shock, horror, guilt. Darren was there and then in a blink he wasn't. Jay looked on with saddened eyes. He had tried, tried so very hard. But he was too far gone. He was in too much pain. Darren could not hear him and understand that he could get help. That his lost friends did not want him to die.

Jay's painful growl of "Why did you do that? Why did you do that?".

It jerked Hailey's heart.

As Jay ranted and became angry with the team and with Antonio especially, Hailey tried to get Jay to hear her. But he would not. Could not. Jay walked toward Darren and kicked the gun away angrily "Could've stuck it out."

He knelt down and leaned on Darren getting covered in Darren's blood. Jay's voice was soft and full of pain "Huh? Weren't gonna shoot, were you?"

Sitting up and back on his heels Jay wiped the blood from his hands and arms on his shirt as his face contorted in pain and his eyes were prickling with unshed tears. Jay looked up at Antonio a moment. His eyes were on the verge of tears and his voice was raw pain "He wasn't gonna shoot." Jay whipped his head to Voight and yelled angrily "He wasn't gonna shoot!" as he broke down.

Hailey saw Jay crying and covered in Darren's blood as he talked to him. She felt intense pain for the pain it was causing Jay. Jay was angry and yelling at his team. Each felt they had failed at least once along the line. They all knew that Jay was angry as he stormed off not heeding his Sarge's call to come back.

"All right, stay there." Atwater said as he searched the man, lying on the floor on his belly with his hand behind his head. "Any weapons?"

"No, I'm a security guard. I work here".

"All right, get up." He was a kid really.

"When the shooting started, I just went inside, it was stupid." The security tried to explain.

"It's ok." Atwater reassured him.

"As soon as I see him, he put a gun on my back, and put me in the closet. Just now he came back. He said he'd shoot me if I didn't do what he said. I'm so sorry." He keeps talking.

"It's ok."

* * *

Men's voices filled the entrance of the precinct, bellowing at each other. They came from the basement where they parked their car. Everything went so fast, they didn't even bother to take off their bulletproof vest when they climbed the stairs to Platt desk. The group was tense and angry. The shoot had not gone as they had planned, as they'd hoped. The team blamed each other. Jay was upset and angry. Burgess had her hands full with Adam and Kevin. Those two were at each other's throats as they entered the precinct. She thought Adam and Kevin might actually come to blows.

"How could you have let him get the drop on you?" Atwater yelled at ruzek while there were cmaking their way to the Caige-stairs. Ruzek stopped in his track "I let him-… I was covering you!" Ruzek yelled back at Atwater.

"Hey-hey, cool it!" Burgess put her hands on both their chest, trying to put distance between each other and calm things off.

"Don't talk to the involved officer! You know the rules," the voice of the man from incident response team in an officer-involved death rose over the din, referring to Antonio, the sniper who had killed the subject ending the incident. Every patrol officers were stopping what they were doing to look at what was happening in front of Platt's desk.

Antonio tried to reach Jay to ask him if he was alright. But the IRT guy intervened again "No talking to witness officers until you've-"

"I heard you the first time." Antonio cut him, deciding to disobey anyway. "Jay!" he tried again.

"You heard the man" Jay said with a harsh tone while he kept walking "Don't talk to witness officers."

"Jay, you gotta listen to me." Someone else said but Jay was so angry that he didn't recognize the voice.

He tried to walk away to the exit but Voight got right in his face. "Where do you think you're going?"

Jay held up his bloody arms and hands, his expression hard, daring anyone to challenge him "I'm going to shower, wash his blood off, and then go home." He said harshly. Hailey remained silent and watched with ill-concealed worry at seeing Jay's pain, anger at his team and the blood covering his arms. Darren was dead and jay would feel responsible.

"We're not done here." Voight contested hold is hand up to stop Jay from moving past him and to the exit.

"Well, maybe I am." Jay stopped in his track, looking at Voight. He said and he could feel it. It was getting harder to do this job. He didn't think he could continue doing it. Jay felt betrayed: betrayed by both Antonio and Darren Kovaks. He'd been so convinced that he had the situation under control, right up until the moment he saw Adam with the gun to his head. And then he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He'd opened up – exposed his worst secret to anyone who could hear their radio broadcast – and Darren had repaid him by taking his teammate hostage. Jay just couldn't wrap his head around it.

So he'd lashed out. He'd lashed out at Antonio for taking the shot; and at his other teammates for not trusting that he had the situation under control. He denied both to them and to himself that he was the one who misread the situation. He'd been so convinced that he'd finally actually made a solid connection with a subject. He really **_did_** understand where Kovaks was coming from. But what he didn't realize until later was that he definitely **_didn't_** understand where Kovaks was heading.

"We got a debrief to make." Voight continued.

"I got nothing to say." Jay shouted.

"It's not an option. Get up there. Now." Jay had inches on Voight, but Voight was herding him towards the stairs anyway.

"You okay?" Burgess asked Antonio.

"This is a subject officer." The IRT guy repeated again, beginning to lose patient with these detectives.

"Don't care" Burgess replied, not bothering to look at the guy and kept looking at Antonio for an honest answer.

"I'm good." He nodded at burgess with a sad smile.

Voight walked from the stairs cage to Antonio "Antonio, give the man your statement. The rest of you, let's go!"

"Thank you." The IRT guy exhaled as he motioned his hand toward an empty room in front of Platt's desk so that Antonio and him would begin the review.

Voight looked briefly around the entrance precinct, exhaling. He placed his hand on the palm scanner to open the stairs door. Antonio was in incident review. They would start the debrief without him.

Once everyone upstairs, the noise even got louder. Nobody could agree on anything especially Jay. Voight called the team to order, his voice cutting across all the raised discord vibrating off the walls. The room grew silent but the tension was high…Hailey thought she might scream it was so awful.

Jay stood facing away from the group, looking out the windows, staring at nothing but the inky night sky lit only by the colored night lights of downtown. She thought he seemed empty, a shell of the happy man he had been this morning. Voight watched as Hailey stepped beside Jay and gave him a towel so he could remove Darren's blood from his arms and hands. Because everyone was emotionally charged and not thinking straight, no one ensured Jay was cleaned off and his burn checked out by EMS at the scene. But the blood dried, making impossible for him to remove it. It was a nightmare.

The group sat on their desk looking at Voight, looking at each other, faces angry and edgy, ready to blow any second, Jay probably the closest of all.

More than anything Hailey wanted to do their thing. Just the two of them. But right now, words wouldn't work, she knew. There was nothing she would say that would help him right now. Not directly. She knew Jay's needed to work this one out in his head. She hoped they could get him to see Darren's motives. But she also feared that when Jay does get it that it will unleash things the team has no clue about. Like memories he has deeply buried and not dealt with. It is memories of that time and the sense of failure and guilt Jay always feels when he cannot save someone that she fears most right now.

So she decided to provide a distraction, break the tension just a bit, get jay to turn around, reengage with the group.

She deliberately stood and walked to the back wall, pulling at the Velcro on her vest. As soon as she stood, the attention of the team turned towards her, but it was the scratch of the Velcro that pulled the attention of Jay away from the window. Without a word, Hailey laid her vest on the floor, removed her gun holster around her leg, piling it neatly on her desk. She walked slowly to the water cooler and took down two large glasses, filling each with cold filtered water. Hailey took another deep breath, exhaled and turned to face the group, unhurriedly looking each one in the eyes, finally resting her gaze on Jay Halstead dark green ones. Her heart ached at the pain she saw there.

Her eyes never left his as she walked towards the group, placing the tall cool water on his desk, a gesture, an invitation to sit and join the group. Hailey sat unhurriedly in her chair, her eyes remaining on Jay's, watching him follow her lead, sitting directly in front of her, watching her, breathing with her, the tension leaving him.

Voight watched the exchange and smiled slightly. Hailey had learned a lot over the last few years. She had just managed to step up and do what he had been unable to, reduce the tension, use her connection with Jay to help him, use her own skill and connections with the group to help them fight their own adrenaline.

"We need to talk about what happened today," Voight began. "How it escalated". They needed to do a debrief, to understand what they did wrong so that the next time no mistakes would be made and no one would have to die.

* * *

Half and hour later, the briefing had turned to the final few minutes of the incident.

Ruzek was back to reason. What happened today, it threw Adam for a loop. It brought back painful memories of Al. Then when Darren got the drop on him, all Adam could think was that he was going to be the cause of Jay's death and that sent him spiraling out of control for a bit. Atwater is not quite himself yet. It was not like him to lash out like that at Adam. He's beating himself up over that.

The tension was growing again. Jay was standing, pacing, blaming himself.

"He wasn't gonna shoot." Jay said as he looked through the windows.

"He was an immediate threat." Antonio declared. He was back from his review.

"It took him 30 seconds to turn the tables." Atwater added, referring to when Darren tricked the team and hold hostage Ruzek at gunpoint.

"We gave him the upper hand because we trusted him." Antonio added.

"No." Jay replied as he turned around from the window "I trusted him. You killed him." he looked at Antonio with straight eyes. "It didn't have to be like that." He sighed as he looked back to his earliest point.

"He was clearly threatening both Adam and you." Antonio went on the offensive, standing from his chair. Hailey hold her hand up toward Antonio to make him stop from getting to Jay.

"Jay, you did great, you just you lost perspective." She tried to reach Jay with a low and calm voice.

"You put yourself right in the line of fire." Antonio continued.

"I knew him!" Jay exclaimed, trying to make a point to the group. "Do you understand? I knew him."

"Ok, what do you think he wanted Jay?" Voight asked him.

"He wanted to save the arena. He needed a mission, to to find the last place left where things made sense. Where things were fair." He paused. "He wasn't gonna hurt me."

"We couldn't take that chance." Antonio affirmed.

"You've never taken that chance?" Jay asked Antonio, not believing his hypocrisy. "I've seen you do it!"

"He's got a point." Voight said. "He's done it, I've done it, but the question is, why did you do it? For Darren? Or for Matt? Maybe you wanted a second chance to save your friend." Voight tried to psychoanalyze his detective.

"Darren applied to return to service. He wanted to go back." Hailey declared, her information coming from his father, earlier during the operation.

"Why was he denied?" Voight asked.

"Because they found him psychologically unfit." She responded.

"Darren suffered from post-traumatic stress, and he wanted to go back..." Voight tried to understand

"Of all the times, of all the people I should have been able to connect with, this time…" his voice drifted away, he stared out the window, starting to close himself off again.

Voight's voice softened, knowing Jay was pulling away from him, "Jay, sometimes, even with a connection, it doesn't always work out the way we hope. It just doesn't."

Voight's looked over at Hailey and caught her eye. She hadn't spoken much during the debrief, and had mostly just watched Jay, watched as his tension level increased as the team approached the final moments of the horrible day.

Hailey took a sip of water, a deep breath and felt her body relax.

"Jay" her voice was barely above a whisper, but that was all it took. Jay slowly turned from the darkened window to face her, his eyes locked to hers.

"Do you remember what the last thing Darren said to you was?" Her voice was still soft, but it held a sense of purpose, of strength.

The rest of the room just melted away. It was just the two of them, connected at a level that went deeper than what anyone else in the room suspected, but could feel just the same.

Not breaking eye contact, Jay said, "Something like 'I'm a good soldier.'" Jay said unsure of the chronology Darren's words.

He said "see you on the other side." Adam stated, as he was the closest, physically, to Darren before he was shot.

Hailey repeated whispering, 'See you on the other side.'"

"It's a battle cry." Atwater claimed.

" SYOTOS" Burgess said as she looked at the picture of Darren and his army buddies where the word "SYOTOS" was written.

"Not this time," Voight says softly, "this time, he's saying good bye Jay. That's why he wanted to go back. He thought he should have died with his friends the first time around."

"Jay, remember when you were telling each other your stories. What does he tell you?" Hailey asks him another question.

For the first time since she had engaged him, he broke eye contact, sat on his chair and closed his eyes, trying to remember everything, even though he didn't want to. It was to damn hard. But if he didn't try to understand what happened, where he lost his connection with Darren then it would haunt him forever.

"He says he's tired. He wants me to meet him on the ice. He says it has to be me." Realization started to dawn on Jay's face.

"That's when he knew it was over," Hailey said, tears were beginning to form into her eyes but succeeded to fight them.

"He wanted to die," Jay whispered_ Pain imbuing his voice_, "he wanted me to kill him." Jay got up from the chair, pain etched across his face. After all the shit Darren said about knowing what Jay went through and that he deserved to be happy, he still decided to put him in that position. Just adding something else to the list of shit Jay feels guilty about.

"Come on Jay" _Hailey's concerned voice said. She _stepped closer but Jay turned around "It's all right, I get it." _H_e was shutting down emotionally as it all became too much. Jay walked back toward the windows again. It was his escaping place.

He was starting to process. When he's calm enough Hailey will try to figure out what to do. How to help him.

* * *

**So here is then end of chapter 1. Chapter 2 is coming soon, maybe less longer than this one. There will me much more Upstead interaction. I just wanted to lay the foundation. Tell me what you are you thoughts on the reviews. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys. Sorry, I took me some time to update this new chapter but I had a lot of work these past two weeks. So here it is. It takes place just a few minutes after the ending of the last chapter. Hope you will enjoy it. Please review ;)**

* * *

Jay quickly packed his locker and grabbed his change of clothes and headed to the shower. He couldn't think straight with Darren's blood literally on his hands. He still felt the stain of it on his conscience. Maybe someone else would have made better choices. Maybe someone else on the team, Hailey or Antonio, could have reached Darren with words instead of bullets. They'd never know; he'd never know. He put his team at risk. He couldn't have lived with himself if one of them ended up dead or hurt because he lost objectivity. He had failed the team today and he had failed Darren.

Antonio was having a difficult time coming to terms with how his actions hurt Jay and drove Jay to break down. He was sitting on his desk chair, playing with his pen, deep in his thoughts.

Burgess felt sorry for him. This was not Antonio's fault. And she knew it. She walked closer to him and kneeled beside his desk.

"Just because you do right does not mean you feel right. You can't save everyone. Those are the facts of the job. Jay's lost and hurting right now. But he'll come to terms with that." She said to him as she placed her hand on his arm to comfort him.

She needed to do something to help Jay because helping Jay would help Antonio to assuage his own unjust feelings of guilt.

As for Hailey, she was whirling inside. She was also very worried for Jay.

Floating close to Hailey, Burgess said "Jay needs you now. You should go talk to him."

Hailey nodded "I'm working on it. But he is stubborn as a mule ya know when he gets certain thoughts in his head."

"He will hear you. You two have a stronger connection than I've ever seen between partners".

Hayley needed Jay to know that she was here for him. She could wait no longer. She had to take action and make sure that Jay knew he could count on her; that she would not abandon him.

Hailey walked inside the locker room, searched for Jay, to see him leaning against the sink. As soon as he saw her reflection through the mirror, he immediately got back to his task, cleaning his shirt. Hailey sat on the bench watching Jay as he rinsed and wrung out Darren's blood from his t-shirt. He then cleaned off the blood from his hands and arms with peroxide. The stuff bubbled like crazy, but as he wiped it off, the blood came with it. If only there was something to wash away the invisible wounds, and the psychic blood that remains.

Two words repeated in Jay's head_. I failed, I failed, I failed_, as he twisted his shirt and watched the blood run down the drain. The non-emotional mask Jay had slipped on worried her greatly.

"Stop feeling guilty. None of this is your fault. You just need time and you will see things differently." She said in a calm voice, trying to reach him. "And Antonio? He had to take the shot. When pushed to the edge, when dangling off of it, when hurt and broken and angry and lost, people are dangerous Jay. They're unpredictable as well, because in the midst of drowning in their troubled emotions, they'll grab hold of anything and anyone around them, and drag them under, too."

She looks at his reflection on the mirror a deep look of concern etched into her face and eyes. Jay looks met her gaze in the mirror. But it's all too much, knowing and feeling, so he blocks it all out, not wanting to have to deal with everything at the moment. Instead, he focused only on the simple act of wringing his shirt.

"Honestly at this point it doesn't even matter." He replied. And with that he began to grab his bag and walk away. He needed to get out of here. He couldn't continue dealing with this.

Hailey' voice was stern. "Stop right there, Jay." Calm wasn't working on him. So she went for another strategy. "Do you really think you are so special that you don't get to mess up? We have ALL done exactly what you did today. You have seen us do it… We fall down and we get right back up. We watch each other's backs. We pull each other back from the edge." Hailey walked closer and stood directly in front on him, blocking his path to the exit. She looked so tiny in front of him, but she might as well have been a concrete wall. He wouldn't be going around her. "Today, Voight tried twice to pull you back and you kept moving forward. Next time, listen! It's hard in the moment. Learn and move on."

But again he was not really listening. All Jay needed was to get out here. He needed a breather, he felt like he was suffocating

As Jay came around the corner, he saw Voight, leaning against the lockers waiting for Jay with his arms crossed. "It doesn't get any easier." Voight said.

Jay tried to walk right past Voight. But Voight's words stopped him and he started to turn back towards him.

Voight stepped away from the lockers and turned towards Jay before continuing "We don't get to win every time."

Jay turned his head, his eyes downcast. He closed them briefly was he could not look directly at Voight.

His voice a little rough with emotion and concern but soft Voight said "You got to be at peace with who you are to get through that. There's a bunch of guys I know … they're cops and military guys. We meet up and talk and we help each other kept it together. Antonio and I are going in tonight. You should come"

At military guys Voight saw he had Jay. Jay really hadn't discussed any of his experiences in Afghanistan with his teammates. He hadn't let them know how brutal, how devastating it really was. And this threw him right back there: bombs blasting, people dying all around him. It broke him up in ways he couldn't even begin to describe. And his only defense was to shut down. He just had to shut everything down.

Jay actually met Voight's eyes for a second before looking away again. He scoffed. He always processed his thoughts alone. He did not need a support group to keep it together as Voight said. He started to walk away, before turning back to Voight and Hailey.

"You know, I m so sick of people telling me what to do or what to feel." He said in a harsh tone "Stop pretending you understand how I feel. No one understands".

"Jay you're coping" she said desperately.

"STOP! I know how death works. Just STOP!" He yelled at her. But the look she gave him broke him more than he already was. So he just left.

Jay found himself walking up to the rooftop of his building. This was a place Jay felt secure and he came here to think. He could feel the breeze. It was cool and relaxing. He always liked to be up high and feel the breeze. It's comforting here, in the dark of oblivion, and a part of him doesn't ever want to leave.

It that was really hard. He tried so hard to save Darren. Jay was just in too much pain and didn't think he could keep going like this.

He's dizzy now, the world beginning to turn around him, and he stumbles, reaching out to grab something on which to steady himself. His hand finds a brick wall and he leans against it briefly before sliding down until he hits the ground. He tilts his head back and stares into the sky, and hears his breathing heavy and loud in his ears.

It was silent right now but he wished for the white noise of it to drown out his thoughts, memories and feelings. He did not want to feel this or remember anything. Jay was trying to lock it away again. But it was hard because so many things were in his head.

He became overwhelmed with thoughts. He put his team at risk. Adam was held at gun point because he lost objectivity and the one guy he should have been able to reach he couldn't.

Jay banged the back of his head against the wall several times in frustration, anger and pain. He needed to feel physical pain before the emotional pain consumed him. His breath catches in his throat, a sharp inhale that sends a searing pain through his chest, and he jerks his eyes back to the sky.

"Matt it hurts. I don't know what to do. It hurts so badly. I should have been able to save him. Darren didn't have to die." He raked his hand through his hair as tears began to roll on his cheeks. "I should have saved both of you. I should have protected you, keep you safe. Its like I had one job had one job and I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down people I care about. How am I supposed to live with that? What Am I supposed to do?"

Later that night, he stands in the middle of his apartment and hears the ghostly echo of a shot already-fired, feels the blood that is on his hands, and wonders how long it will take before these feelings go away.

And that was another hard realization. Jay wasn't sure if he could have handled it, if he'd been the one who had to have taken that shot. Hailey was right. Antonio had protected him from that when he'd taken the shot that needed to be taken. He'd protected Jay as well as Adam. Jay silently felt grateful he'd been spared that hard choice; spared that type of guilt again. But he knew he hadn't shown Antonio any of that gratitude. If anything, he'd shown him exactly the opposite – anger and blame. He'd apologize to Antonio later; but he already knew Antonio would understand.

Voight hadn't blamed Jay for the choices he'd made. Actually none of them had blamed Jay but himself.

It was entirely possible that his lingering feelings of guilt about Matt and what'd happened in Afghanistan had colored his perception of Darren. Maybe he was so desperate to have the opportunity to change an outcome that he knew couldn't be changed, that he refused to see Darren' state of mind. And yet, Jay knew he wasn't alone in thinking that he'd gotten through to Darren. Even Voight had said that he'd done a good job before the actual meeting. Jay may have let his past mistake color his actions today.

That night, Jay laid awake in his bed. He stared up at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep.

Here he was, in the same situation he was when he came back from war. Unable to close his eyes, to sleep, eat or find anything else to keep his mind off; except one thing. And suddenly, he recalls the amazing feeling of the weed coursing through his body. How it took the pain away so easily, how they helped him sleep. He remembers as it effectively prevented traumatic memories and nightmares, while also helping attain emotional wellbeing.

At this thought, he got up from his bed and made a unique call. Twenty minutes later a knock at his door rang, the man on the other side providing him a little baggie of pot.

Once alone again, he made one joint and put it to his lips. He lit it, inhaled deeply and held the smoke in for a few seconds before releasing it, sending a haze of blue smoke around the room.

His eyes were squinted and bloodshot, he rubbed his temples as he leaned back in his chair. He took another hit as she felt the drug take effect. His muscles relaxed and his eyes dropped slightly as he felt the tension flow out of him. It really released some weight off of his shoulders, only for a brief instant.

He understood Darren was sick, but now he had to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. He wished Darren would have taken the shot and save him the trouble of dealing with all these emotions and bullshit he is dealing with right now. Instead of making him realize that he can't save anyone. That he is a killer and everything and everyone he touches he kills.

* * *

It's been a week since the last events. Since Darren's death at the old hockey rink, things had been tough on Jay.

He put the car in parking lot, and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel, closing his eyes and listening to the heavy rain pounding on the windshield. He was already late for work, but he didn't want to go inside yet.

Smoking lately put his mind at ease. For a while, at least. Strangely, it didn't help him sleep well. His nights were sleepless, and his mind was constantly filled with disturbing questions.

When he did manage to fall asleep, he dreamt horrible, vivid dreams. He let his mind drift back to his army days. Jay had tried the stuff before, back when he came back from Afghanistan. For the next few months, Jay used it often. Too often. But once he realized how addicted he had become, he stopped. It was really starting to affect his attitude and abilities.

Jay was jolted back to reality by the sound of someone knocking on his window. It was Adam. He was holding his jacket collar, trying to keep the rain out. Jay rolled down the window.

"Hey, what are you doing? Boss tried your cell twice. He just sent me to go check your apartment to see if you were okay."

Jay glanced over at the cell resting in the passenger seat. The screen read 'Two missed calls'. He looked at the radio. He had been sitting in the parking lot, zoned out, for nearly forty-five minutes.

"Are you okay?" Adam asked. Jay nodded.

"Okay. Let's go then." He opened the door for him, and Jay grabbed his phone and got out.

When the two detectives walked up the stairs, all eyes were on Jay. He had bags under his eyes, and his brown hair was dripping wet.

As he climbed up the stairs next to Adam, he could feel all eyes on him. It seemed they were debriefing on something as they all stood in front of the board.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Jay said to everyone, staring at the ground. He quickly took his place on his desk and looked at the group. Hailey and Voight, glanced at each other, worried. He didn't make eye contact with either of them.

"We just finished, Jay." Voight announced.

"Um…oh." Was all Jay thought to say. The group sat there awkwardly for a moment.

"Okay well, why don't the rest of you hit the shooting range. I'll fill Jay in, and we'll join you all in a minute." Voight said. Jay exhaled and closed his eyes. Today was mandatory firearms requalification. He was no up for this today.

The group took the hint, and got up out of their chairs. When only Jay and Voight remained, Jay finally looked up.

"Jay, this is the third time in a week." Voight reminded him gently.

"I know, I'm really sorry."

"Jay we need you in a 100%. This team relies on each other. So if you are out of your game-"

"I know. I just…haven't been sleeping too well, you know?"

"If you need to talk to someone -"

"I'm fine. I won't be late anymore." He replied quickly.

"Is this because of Darren?"

"Don't talk about that!" Jay snapped. Voight looked taken back. Jay became aware of his insubordination, and sighed.

"I'm fine. Okay? " Jay stood up.

"You don't look fine" Voight exclaimed in a stern voice. His attitude beginning to enervate Voight.

"You are pale, you have hanging eyelids and red eyes" Voight exhaled. "Just go home. You'll requalify later this month".

Jay only nodded, silently grateful for being dispensed, before leaving the district.

Watching him leave, Voight he rubbed his temples. There was definitely something going on with Jay. And he just hoped things weren't going to get worse.

The next morning, Jay went to the gym. He was on the stationary bike, when Hailey walked over. Jay sped up, as if trying to run away from her. Hailey turned up the dial, until the resistance level was at it's highest. Jay struggled to move forward, and gave up.

"Can I help you?" Jay asked, sounding a bit ruder than he intended.

"Yes actually." Hailey replied politely. "You can tell me what's up."

"The sky." Jay said lamely. Hailey glared at him.

"I'm being serious here. I want answers, Jay." Hailey placed her hands on her hips.

"I already talked to Sarge." Jay said.

"You call that talking? Because he doesn't." Of course Voight came to Hailey. The boss knew that her and Jay were close and that Jay would probably open up to her more than to him. But Jay wouldn't this time.

"That's his problem. Now would you mind your own problems?! " Jay answered, getting off the bike. He started to the next thing, but Hailey grabbed his arm.

"Stop this." She said, eying him warningly. After a few seconds, she let go of his arms and exhaled. "We're just trying to help." She told him sounding less angry now, more desperate. Jay felt bad. He didn't know why he was taking his anger out on his partner, and he wished he could stop. He knew that he drove himself here, drove himself crazy with the lies and the blood and the pain; with his inability to cope with loss and his desperate desire to escape. It'd be easy to blame them, harder to forgive, but the reality is that they get neither because the fault is not at their feet. He just resumed his way to do his next exercise.

The rest day was a blur for Jay. No one tried to make conversation, but he felt their eyes on him whenever he walked by. Luckily, there was no emergency that required them at all that day. If there had been, Jay wasn't sure he would've been allowed to go. He wasn't sure he would've been up to going. He couldn't believe how tired and depressed he felt.

He knew Hailey had been relying on him to be a good partner. But he couldn't. He couldn't be there for her or anyone else when he didn't know how to deal with it himself. When all he could do was lock the grief and the pain and the guilt away; force it all down into a ball in his stomach.

He didn't eat or sleep for last few days. He spent them staring at his TV, just trying desperately to make it through. The ball of emotion in his stomach meant that anything he did try to eat, came right back up – the emotions exploding when the food hit them. He stared at the screen, eyes gritty with unshed tears, and wished for the oblivion that alcohol would bring. But he already knew he wouldn't resort to that. He'd had a beer, but that had just made the return trip as quickly as everything else. He also found comfort in the arms of an ex girlfriend, or more like an ex booty call.

As the shift ended, the group dispersed and walked towards the darkened parking lot, taking off in their respective cars. Jay started to make his way to his own car when he felt his phone vibrated in his back pocket. It was his booty call, asking him when they could see each other again. He didn't reply. It didn't feel right, right now. And he was tired and not in the mood. When he looked back up, putting his phone into his back pocket, he saw Hailey, standing before his car in silence, just being there, waiting for him.

"I'm your ride," she said, smiling.

Jay put a show up of trying to argue her out of it – knowing that once Hailey brought him to his apartment, she wasn't going to leave him there alone – but Hailey was adamant. "I'm starving and I seem to remember a certain soldier telling me that his favorite comfort food was spaghetti and meat sauce." Jay's head ducked down again and then lifted it up. "Unless you aren't hungry?"

A small smile appeared on his lips "I could definitely eat, especially if you're cooking."

So Jay gave in. He really didn't want to spend the night alone. He knew his ceiling didn't have any way to reverse time and give him the opportunity to save either Darren or Matt. So he gratefully accepted the support of his partner, knowing he wouldn't be alone in his apartment or his life anytime soon.

Hailey grinned. "Alright. I'll come in an hour"

"Where you goin'?" he asked as he got inside his car.

"Need to drop by my place and buy some groceries."

"Alright." He said, looking tired. he closed his door and his jeep roared to life before leaving.

Jay entered the backdoor of his apartment and sighed at how his place was a mess. He decided he would clean it up after his shower, before Hailey arrives.

Jay started the shower, turning it on as hot as it would go. He stripped off his jeans and t-shirt, and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water pummel his hard, exhausted body. His skin stung as the water burned. He wanted it to just boil away the exhaustion, the nightmares.

He shut the water off and stepped out of the shower. His skin felt like tiny bee stings as he dried himself with the towel. He carefully pulled on a new boxer briefs, drawing a sharp breath as he felt the burn of his skin against the cotton before putting a sweatsuit.

After the hot shower he was so tired. He went to his bed, which looked inviting. He'd just lie down for just minute, she'd be home soon. He put his head down and pulled the other pillow to him. He smiled into the pillow, nuzzling deeper, and promptly fell asleep. There was no way he'd get through the week without both the strength and the rest. He was silently comforted when the blackness of sleep finally pulled him away from all the emotions he couldn't allow himself to feel. Maybe he'd actually get through this and be ok.

But again, he was so afraid of disappointing them that he dug himself a rabbit hole. He couldn't bear to disappoint them.

When Hailey arrived in front of Jay's apartment, she knocked a few times but nothing. So she used the spare key he gave her in case of trouble or urgency.

She carried the groceries inside and dropped them on the counter. The apartment was quiet, but she knew Jay was here. His car was in the driveway. She walked towards the bedroom where a low light was on. Jay was curled up in bed with his pillow crushed against his face, sleeping like a baby. Hailey smiled and walked towards him, covered his bare shoulder with the blanket and turned off the light. She pulled the door almost closed behind her and left him sleeping soundly.

An hour and a half later, Jay walked through the hallway, tugging his t-shirt down and trying to wipe the sleep from his eyes. He yawned a greeting at Hailey and looked around his place. The place was wiped clean. He closed his eyes in, mad at himself for forgetting to do it. She must have found things he didn't want her to find.

There was music playing he didn't recognize, slow and bluesy and perfect for the mood. The living room and kitchen were filled with the smells of cooking food. He guessed the sauce was simmering, maybe had been for some time.

Hailey looked up from what she was cooking, looked him up and down with a smirk, "Hey sleepyhead. How'd you sleep?"

Jay squeezed his eyes shut, still trying to clear the sleep from his head, "No nightmares, so good I guess. How long…?" he tried to change the subject. But Hailey knew. He was lying to her.

"I don't know. You were out when I got here, so maybe an hour, hour and a half. You needed it." She smiled at him and then returned to cook.

"Hailey, wow. Sorry. I hadn't meant to…"

"Stop, Jay. No apologies. It's all good. You want some wine or beer?" she asked.

"Yeah, beer's good" he replied as he began to discreetly look around his apartment, searching for something. "You cleaned the place" he said, trying to sound casually, still looking for something. She looked up and looked at him searching around.

"Searching for that?" she questioned him. He turned around and saw her holding a little baggy of weed.

Jay had a guilty face. He knew he had disappointed her.

"Are you sure this is a great idea?" she asked him as she walked over to him. She wasn't judging him. She was just concerned.

"Come on Hailey, it was just one night"

"This looks more than one-night Jay." Jay didn't respond immediately. He was searching for an excuse but he was busted.

"Listen Jay, I'm not judging. I know these past few days have been difficult for you. But I would have hoped that you would came to me instead of smoking pot…"

There was a heavy silence.

"So, you want to talk about it now or later?" she asked him.

"Hailey." Her name comes out as a sigh, partly in irritation, partly because he doesn't even know where to start.

"Jay." She calls him on it. "Replaying it won't change what happened."

He gives an affirmative nod. Regardless of whether he means it or not he knows she'll continue on. He walked to his window.

"Sometimes we just can't reach people."

He doesn't respond, simply watches absently as cars pass on the street.

"It's okay to show what you are feeling. You can't be rock solid all the time". She Hated to see him like this.

She sighs, turning him to face him. "Jay, honestly, what were the chances of it ending differently at that point?"

He rolls his eyes "Don't give me that crap, Hailey. Not long ago you were the one to be in this position and you going over and over it trying to figure out what you could have done differently, or could have done more of."

"And you told me the same thing. That it was not my fault. That there was only so much we can do." She gnaws on her lip, looks away briefly and he can't tell if she's annoyed with him or just tired.

"So I guess that leaves the question of which one of us is right."

Her eyebrows raise but there's no eye roll to go along with it as she sits on his couch "I think we're both right."

His face twitches at the absurdity of her claim. "Excuse me?"

"I said that I think we're both right. It just depends what side we're on."

He scowls at her and gives his own roll of the eyes. "That's the problem, I shouldn't have been on that side of things." Jay regrets having trying to connect with Darren. It still amazes him how hard it sucks to lose a subject.

There's a flicker of emotion across her face and he can tell she's obviously pleased with the latest development in the conversation. "Now we're getting somewhere." She gives a half smile as she puts her beer on the coffee table and leans back to the couch. "So, why do you think that?"

He groans. Hailey has gone therapist on his ass. He learned a long time ago that resistance in such a case is futile. He didn't reply. He wasn't really in a mood.

" Sometimes you can do everything right and still not like the outcome."

"I should have had listened to Voight that day." He said as he walked toward the couch and sat next to her. "I shouldn't have pushed it that far, try to connect with him." She listened to him silently. Finally, he was letting it all out. "In the army it was different - aim, pull trigger, subject is down, onto the next assignment. And yet each time it wore away at me little by little. At least then no one was into the details of the person I just shot, and I could ignore my conscience by way of arrogance and bonding with the rest of the unit. It was **managed**. Now, it's not just a subject that dies. It's a person, with a family, with a pain inside them causing them to act in ways I wish they wouldn't. I wish they wouldn't pick up a gun, find a ledge, point a knife. I wish I didn't have to listen to their entire heart breaking story, only to have to take or see the shot be taken to keep them from taking their next victim - a hostage, a police officer. If I didn't have to listen to it all, then a Darren could just be a target. But it's not."

Hailey leaned closer to him, placing a hand behind his neck "And now Voight is reaching out to you Jay. You need to consider going to this support group. It could really help you." She saw his pain and conflict. He was an emotional wreck inside.

"I know how support group works Hailey. I've been there too many times". His arms rested on his knees, she watched as his head dropped to his chest and his shoulders started to shake, just slightly. "I get that we can not win every time. But this time. This time I should have won. I knew Darren. I knew the feelings, what he was going through. I should have connected."

Hailey could see that the multitude of conflicting feelings was wearing on him.

"Darren had only set up the meeting because he wanted me to do it – to end his suffering; end his struggles. He hadn't felt worthy of surviving and wanted a soldier to end it." he paused, looking down at his feet. "Darren didn't care what happened to me or anyone else afterwards, as long as his struggle was over."

He turned his head and his eyes landed on Hailey. The look she gave him was one of understanding not pity. Her eyes were soft and tender like they got when she was worried about him.

Hailey spoke again, "Jay, you had the connection. That connection you had was palpable. Everyone in this room felt it through the earpiece, in the building. It was real. Maybe it didn't turn out like you thought it would…hey, like we all thought it would, but none of us would deny it."

His eyes red and his voice not quite steady and self-accusatory Jay shared "You know, when I joined the police, I wanted to be more than a point and shoot guy. I wanted to help people, to save people." He paused "instead, I've endangered my team, lost objectivity, and got someone killed..." Jay's wide open and sad eyes held Hailey's eyes. Her eyes closed briefly feeling the pain that was shown in Jay's eyes. She wished she could take that pain away. The questions now that Hailey was struggling with were how could she help Jay see it was not his fault and how could he ease Jay's pain?

"Jay, I know that you are going through a lot especially after this morning and you reopening wounds about what happened to Matt. And now it's just about getting through the day without breaking."

Jay didn't respond. His arms still on his knees, he just looked down. Hailey could see his mind was miles away. He was off in some distant land, a memory of time before now. Matt's memory is too raw and Jay never dealt with it. He had simply shoved it down and locked it away.

" But you are not supposed to be **managing** it. You are supposed to be feeling it. Grief, loss, pain. Its normal."

"It's not normal."

"It is normal. It's not normal to you 'cause you've never done it. Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you shoved it all down, you shut down Jay. That's your strategy in these situations. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. Instead of dealing with being hurt, and alone and afraid that this horrible feeling is all there is, I ran form it. We do these things, we run off and we, we medicate we do whatever it takes to, cover up and dull the sensation but it's not normal. We are supposed to feel, we are supposed to love, hate and hurt and grieve, and break and…" she sighed putting her hand on his arm "we rebuilt ourselves to be destroyed again, that is human"

Jay took in a shaky breath before she saw him close his eyes, a tear rolling down his face. He had been trying to hold it together but hearing her words made it almost unbearable. But the truth is, he's not so different. He's still lost, still damned; still a broken toy soldier left in the dark recesses of a wooden chest. All he had done was bury the ghosts, bury the screams, and fill the remaining holes. He hadn't healed. He hadn't moved on. He'd simply tried to pretend that he could be anything other than what he really was.

"I miss him, terribly"

Jay knew she was right. It has been so much easier to focus on Darren than on Matt. Darren chose to die. Matt didn't. And jay knew it was his fault. He never coped with Matt's death.

She reached out the inches to his shoulders and brought him to her, holding him gently against her. She draped an arm around his body shoulder. Jay seemed rigid at first, before he leaned his entire weigh against her chest. She stroked the soft short hair at the base of his neck. She held him tight "I know it hurts. You'll get through this". She closed her eyes as they both sat on the couch in each other's warm embrace for a moment.

When Jay agreed to go to center ice she new her nerves would be stretched to the breaking point until Jay was safe and the subject contained. She never knew how much raw emotion Jay stored up until she watched him kneel by the subject crying over him as if he was his friend when in reality they were brothers, brothers in arms.

After his 'thing' with Hailey, Jay feels just the slightest bit healed, and it's the best that he's felt in a very long time. There's a long road ahead of him, one with walls to climb and obstacles to scale, but for the moment, he feels at peace. He was relaxing in her arms; she could feel that. Jay was finally coping.


	3. Chapter 3

This morning was like any boring day at work with no new cases, forcing the team to fill up all the paperwork they were late on.

Jay rubbed his eyes as he was already exasperated. He got up from his chair and made his way to the break room to pour himself a cup of coffee. Once onside, he noticed his partner standing in front of the window. Hailey was facing away from Jay, looking out the windows staring at nothing but the cloudy day sky.

"Hey" he said as he took his cup.

Hailey didn't react at all, too engrossed in the path her thoughts had taken her to even be aware of her surroundings. She absently ran her finger along the rim of her nearly empty cup as she stared at light drizzle that had begun over the city. It didn't appear to be stopping or even inconveniencing the people walking along the sidewalk. Everyone seemed to be in a great spirit which was a sharp contrast to her own darkening mood. She just kept watching disgustedly out the window at the passersby, lost in her own thoughts. Hailey closed her eyes for a moment and drew in a deep breath. There's an aching hole in her chest, a strangling grasp around her throat, and the world narrows down to a single pinpoint of sight. Sound is absence, unnaturally quiet even as the raging of her soul whistles in her ears.

"You okay?"

Jay looks expectantly at her, but Hailey doesn't answer, too lost in memories that she'd rather forget but were now violently assailing her. They taunt her, reverberating through her head in an endless stream of pain. Shuddering at a memory, Hailey snapped out of her thoughts and took another deep breath to calm herself. Jay noticed that Hailey had zoned out.

"Hailey!" he said louder.

Hailey jumped slightly as if she hadn't expected him to speak. She looked up from the random spot on the street she had been staring at and met the one person's eyes she did not want to see. He was staring at her, it felt like he was looking right down to her core, drawing her into his gaze.

"hmm, sorry what?" she asked him.

"You okay? You seem…off" he replied as he took a gulp of his coffee, still staring at her.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm-"

Suddenly the Adam interrupted their discussion, leaning against doorframe of the breaking room. "We've got case." Jay and Hailey instantly put their cup in the sink and got out of the break whole team quickly made their way to their vehicles. Hailey jumps into the passenger seat and Jay gets into the driver's seat.

Intelligence drives up to a busy street full of people and police officers. Getting out of their vehicles, the team grabs their gear and weapons out of the truck of the SUV's. They were soon joined by the patrolmen who responded first.

"there is one first victim which is in a critical condition. Now the subject's got a hostage, female" the patrolman says to Voight.

As they walk closer to the scene, Voight looks around and notices all the people gathered around to watch.

"Southwest, needs containment. Make sure the outer perimeter is clear." Voight ordered to Burgess and Halstead.

"Atwater and Ruzek take the inner perimeter "

"Copy" they all said before running towards their respective spot.

"This place is packed" Hailey states, her sniper riffle on her hand.

"Which means, you have to go high." Voight affirms.

"I'll take the North building. " she explains as she runs towards the north building.

Voight looks at the subject. The man was a bit portly, in his mid to late fifties. He was partially bald, and had tan skin. Not that dark, but the color stood out next to the stark white of his hostage. His hostage was a business woman, around his age, acting as a human shield with the barrel of his gun to her head.

"Alright guys. Keep a close eye. This guy doesn't look to happy" Voight announces.

Antonio follows Voight towards the subject keeping a safe distance nonetheless. They made their way toward a patrol car separating them from the subject and thus protecting them if things were to escalate.

"Inspector" Voight greets as he stands next to the inspector.

"He's all yours, sergeant" The inspector stated as he was still looking at the subject holding the hostage. The man was rapidly speaking, but no one understood him.

"The guy got a name?" Voight asks curiously. "No. He doesn't speak English" the inspector admits.

"What does he speak?" Antonio questions.

"He speaks Eastern European, or something. I don't know" the inspector replied.

"Well how long have you been here?" Voight asks.

"I think it's Yugoslavian, Croatian" One of the other inspectors intervened.

"Can you speak it?" Voight asks him. Talking down a subject without understanding his language and speaking it wouldn't be easy.

"No" the inspector admits.

"Where is the translator?" Voight then asks, looking back at the inspector.

"Back there" the inspector points behind him.

"What does he speak?" Voight questions.

"Russian" the inspector replies.

Voight groans before quickly picks up a Walky Talky. "We need a Croatian translator." Voight explains quickly before moving closer towards the subject, followed by Antonio, Ruzek and Atwater. He was gonna begin the negotiations. He raised his hands up as they shuffled forward to a shoulder height cement wall, just outside a glass building a little to the east of their original position. They were standing on the edge of a plaza, guns trained on a man in the center. Voight was trying to talk to the, to de-escalate here as he didn't want the hostage getting shot.

"I'm sergeant Hank Voight!" Voight called to the Subject. "This is just a radio, I'm gonna put it down." He called, cautiously setting down the radio down on the ledge. The Subject yelled something aggressively in his language, Voight listening intently even though he couldn't understand.

"Let's talk. That it. Lets just talk" Voight says as he kept his hands held up.

But the subject is unresponsive to Voight's attempt to ease the situation as more screams in a foreign language came out from the subject mouth.

"Easy, easy. This is all about finding a way home. We all want to go home. But first, you have to but the gun down." Voight called, but it was all for nothing. He might as well have been talking to a brick wall that doesn't understand English, Voight thought bitterly as the man screamed angrily in Croatian.

_"I'm in position."_ Hailey says through her earpiece.

While Hank began to try to talk to the subject, Antonio received a call. He answered it and hung out a few minutes later.

"The woman he shot, looks like she probably won't make it" he explains as put back his phone into his bullet proof vest. Voight looked at him, frustrated at the realization that this case wasn't gonna end well.

But Voight kept trying to discuss with the subject, not willing to have the day end with another dead body.

"We can work this out together. One step at a time, you understand me?" Voigt asks still trying to ease the situation before using the lethal force.

"First impression, not substance issues. He's on full on tunnel vision. I'm thinking multiple stressors. Might help if we knew what he was saying" Antonio stated with his fighting stance with his riffle up, ready to intervene if things escalated.

As Voight understood he couldn't reach the subject, he took back his radio to make another call. "Dispatch, what's going on with my translator?".

"_We got someone. He's on route, ten minutes"_ the dispatch answers.

"That's not good enough, patch him on the phone right now" Voight demanded suddenly.

"Hailey talk to me" Voight demands through the earpiece.

"_He is holding her close"_ She answers as he could hear her tensed voice on the other side of the earpiece.

"How's the view?" He questions her.

_"Cold zero. I got the solution_" she advised.

"You know why we're all here?" Voight called, his hands in the air. "It's about helping you. You understand? Help! But first... You have to put the gun down! You have to put the gun down!" He tried, making gun gestures with his hands. The man got angrier, and continued his ranting. Sighing in partial defeat, Voight spoke into a radio. "Give me, uh, give me 'gun down'."

_"ostavi pistolj"_ the translator says through the radio and Voight copies every word the translator says. But the man only escalated. He held the woman tighter, causing her to whimper, closing her eyes tightly.

"Barivitsi niema!" the man yelled back.

"Give me 'we wanna help'." Voight asked the radio. "Pochie vomapovenchi! Ostavie pistole!" Voight called in vain. "Put the gun down! Just put the gun down!" The angry man continued to rant, holding the woman closer and closer, tighter and tighter. Give me 'calm down'. Smiri se! Smiri se! Keep it calm! " Voight yelled.

The subject holds the gun closer to the woman and yells something.

" what he saying?" Voight asks curiously. _"I'll shoot her, don't make me shoot her"_ the translator responds through the phones

"Keep it calm! Keep it calm!" Voight called, a little louder with anticipation. The man screamed something, and pointed the gun in the air before the whole team ducks behind the ledge. The people in the crowd screamed, and Voight hoped to the high heavens that Hailey had the shot. The man slowly lowered the gun back down to the woman's head, and Voight made the final decision.

Voight sighs and looks down to the ground. "Hailey, Hailey" he says.

_" Yeah, go ahead"_ she mentions.

"shout him down" Voight demands.

"Copy" Hailey advises. It's not always easy for her to take someone out. But for her, anybody who threatens his team deserves what they get_. _There were several moments of nothing, and for an instant Antonio thought that Hailey had lost the shot, and she began preparing herself for the worst.

But suddenly they hear a young man voice scream coming closer to the scene.

_"Sarge we got a runner! Jay, red wall."_ Burgess called, a bit of panic in her voice as he saw the young man through his riffle sight. Voight stands up quickly, flicked her gaze over to the 'red wall' and sees a boy running towards the scene. "Hold fire, Hailey. Hold fire" Voight shouts.

Jay caught the kid as he ducked under the yellow tape, making it only twenty yards away from the subject.

_"Copy that, holding fire"_ she breaths, the situation was taking a turn for the worse. They conversed, and as the seconds passed, Hailey stomach tightened even more. Things started to spin a bit, as the pain in her head increased dramatically. Everyone was anxious. Because of this, she kept his senses on high alert, not for her sake, but for everyone else's, and hoped that no one would get involved.

The boy runs quickly passed the cops and into the square. "Tata! Tata!" the boy yells.

"Jay, he's coming to you" Antonio mentions through his earpiece.

"_Copy that" _Jay's voice says. Across the square Jay looks around and finally spots the boy running towards his father.

"Hey! Stop right there. Stop,stop,stop. Easy" Jay says as he holds the boy back.

The subject turns around and looks at the boy quickly yelling something. Jay looks at the boy and holds him back. "Explains to me. Is that your father?" Jay asks. The boy nods his head as tears run down his face. The boy and his father have a short conversation as Jay keeps trying to hold him back.

Voight listens as the subject's son cries in the background.

"_It is still a go_" Hailey says.

"Hold on Hailey, only if he escalates. Let's see if the son can work this out" Voight adds.

_" Copy. _" Hailey agrees.

The team listens as Jay calms the son down. "No one's going to hurt him, we just need to talk to him" he explains. The subject and his son start to have a conversation in Croatian again, casing everyone to wonder what their saying which began to frustrate them to not know was happening. Through the scope, Hailey watches as Voight negotiates, attempting to reach the desperate man but even from her distance, she can see that the words are falling on deaf ears. The subject grows increasingly agitated, the gun in his hand switching targets from the hostage to himself to the air, and Hailey readies herself. Suddenly the subject becomes aggressive once again and quickly points the gun towards Voight again.

Everyone quickly ducks again. Hailey sucked in a breath as the gun was raised in the air again, pointed slightly in their direction.

"Hailey, take him down" Voight finally yells. This was it. The subject was irresponsive to any attempt to calm down.

Suddenly chaos erupts as the boy ducked under Jay's arms, breaks free from Jay's grip and ran for his father. Jay knew that his sergeant asked Hailey to shoot him, and he knew that the subject was holding a gun towards them, but he also knew that he had to stop the boy or he would end up dead by Hailey's shot.

So Jay quickly runs towards the boy, thinking he could reach him before appearing in Hailey's aiming point, as Antonio yells through the headset. "Hailey, the boy!" and the gunshot goes off.

In Hailey's eye she remembered seeing Jay and the boy in clear view of the sniper. She takes a deep breath and fumbles with the sniper as she looks through the telescope. When she does she looks to where the man was standing and sees Jay laying down on top of the boy, and the subject on the ground, with blood around his body. For a few seconds Jay doesn't move. Her brain was racing - how many times had she felt like this - too many. Too many times she had nearly lost her partner and now again she thought he was gone. Once more her heart was being ripped apart.

She was terrified. What if the bullet traveled through Jay and through the subject? She watches as Voight, Antonio and the rest of the team run over quickly. "Jay?!" Antonio asks worried.

Jay couldn't hear the screams of his teammates; his ear piece had fallen out in the blast. When he managed to retrieve it he could hear the panic in Antonio's voice as he frantically called Jay for his status.

"I'm good" Jay quickly says as he stands up slowly. Hailey takes a deep breath and puts down her sniper. Her heartbeat was racing and her mouth became dry as the adrenaline rushed through her veins. This adrenaline did not feel good at all. She just almost shot and killed Jay and the boy, and that is one thing that will not leave her mind. She just keeps thinking about what would happen if she did.

A wave of intense nausea came over her and she had no option but to run behind the closer wall and throw up.

From all the way up, Hailey could hear an ear-shattering scream come from the boy looking at his dead father, lying on the center of the square.

"What did you do! Why did you do that!" the boy yells furiously up to the sky.

The woman hostage walks quickly towards Voight, Jay and Antonio, shocked about what she just went through. She looks at Jay and shows a small smile. Jay stands there, speechless and still a little in shock himself, as the woman wraps her arms around him, giving her a hug. "Thank you" the woman whispers, crying. Atwater pulls the woman away from Jay and leads her towards all the police officers. Jay then looks at Voight with shock in his eyes as this latter place his hands on Jay's shoulder before squeezing it. Noticing the wound to Jay's arm Voight looked at his young detective "I thought you said you weren't injured?".

Jay frowned and looked at his arm noticing a cut on his forearm. He hadn't noticed it before then. Must have been the adrenaline.

"You did good Jay" Voight patted his shoulder "Go and get your arm checked".

The inspector from earlier made their way to the entrance of the north building waiting for Hailey to come down from the roof. Once she did, the inspector made his way toward her, not letting her capture a moment with her team.

"It's now a crime scene". The man told her. He then turned to some patrolman "Tape it up. Nobody speaks to the subject officer." He ordered them before turning his attention back to Hailey.

"Constable, I need your rifle and your kit." He told her. Hailey executed, still a little shocked about how it ended. When the inspector took her riffle, he gave it to one of his guys and turned back to her. The rest of his sayings fade back into the ringing noise in her ears and Hailey stopped paying attention.

"… under investigation; you know the drill." She heard. The inspector noticed she was still unease, lost in her mind, not really listening to him. Everything is feeling rather blurred at the moment, so she thinks she'll just stick with a single task for now; breathe. It takes too much effort to focus on anything else. "Whenever you're ready." At this moment she looked up from the random spot on the floor she had been absentmindedly staring at while she was thinking and looked back at the man.

"Now, you know you're sequestered, there's no talking, okay?" She only nodded, still a little absent. They began to make their way to the inspector's car.

Jay was being checked over and the wound to his arm dressed when he saw Hailey a few meters away. She was following the inspector and he noticed how engrossed in her thoughts she was.

But when she caught his eyes, he could tell just by the expression on her face that she was angry with him.

Voight walked toward Hailey and the inspector.

"It was by the book, Norm" Voight admits to the inspector. "Yeah?" the man questions. "That would be for special investigations to decide" the inspector says.

"Hailey you good?" Voight asked. Turning to Voight, Hailey gave him a brief small smile to deflect how she really felt. Which was still so conflicted.

"You know better then to talk to subject officers, Sergeant" the inspector says.

As the inspector opens the car door, Voight comes walking beside Hailey.

"Hailey?" Voight asks.

"Voight!" the inspector hisses.

"Mind just plugging your earholes for a second as a talk to my detective here and ask how she's doing?" Voight argues.

The inspector nods and walks away.

"Fine. Fine" Hailey nods. She continues on, walking and breathing, acting like a stable human being when it is the furthest thing from her mind. And Jay noticed that from the ambo.

Voight nodded before stepping back, as the inspector opens her door. Voight smiles and looks at her. "It was a good shot" Voight mentions, causing Hailey to nod slowly, before entering the car. She had a review to attend with SIU.

* * *

Later that day, back from the review, Hailey sits against a wall in the locker room, thinking about everything that happened. She just needed a minute to process the day. She closed her eyes, letting her emotions settle down. She's lost then, swallowed by her own mind and the horror that reverberates through every fiber of her being.

"You okay" she heard a voice she knew too well. She opened her eyes as she silently noted the pair of concerned eyes watching her. And suddenly, the numbness is gone, replaced by a hate so burning in its' intensity that Hailey wonders if she's literally on fire. She directs it at Jay.

As she watched him, emotions started to run high "I was going to carry it, Jay! For the rest of my life. You were going to _make me_ carry it." her voice was filled with so much anger and pain at the same time it broke. "And it's not fair. Damn it, Jay it's not fair, and you…you of all people, should understand why you don't do that to someone. You don't make them have to live with the guilt. You don't make them have to live with the should-haves and the could-haves and the endless ways it might have gone." She exhaled. "I can't handle that, not again!" she looked at him in a way to make a point.

But Jay blinks, caught completely off-guard and tries to speak, attempting to figure out exactly what Hailey meant. He didn't understand. What has he done to make her that angry.

"I-," he attempted to speak but Hailey didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.

" No! I'm-" she started to say, and then stopped herself. She was so angry with Jay and she couldn't find the words. "I'm furious with you Jay! You should never have run toward the boy - you could have been killed! By ME!"; anger hanging off every word she spoke. Jay had even been surprised at Hailey outburst.

"Hailey it's the job!" he shouted with incomprehension.

It was the wrong thing to say and he could only watch as Hailey nearly exploded with rage.

"It's not a job! It's your life! And today, of **all freaking days**, I thought I lost you!"

He had tried to appease the situation, but Hailey wasn't listening; all her venom and anger directed at Jay. It had been his decision and he had been irresponsible and reckless.

"Irresponsible and reckless?! I saved a man's life today!" Furious, Jay stared at his partner. Right at that moment he did not care about the risk he took - all he cared about was that he had save the man. He wasn't gonna apologize for it, especially when she would have done the same thing in his position.

He sighed. His voice was softer as well when he spoke again. "We do a dangerous job - that's just the way it is; unless you want me to work in an office " Jay was trying to lighten the conversation, but her face didn't move; there was not even the tiniest hint of a smile from her mouth. Jay paused for a second, replaying what Hailey had said to him: "What do you mean 'of all freaking days'?"

Hailey turned away, avoiding his partner eyes. "Nothing. " She replied getting up and opened her locker to distract herself.

Hailey knew then that she had mistaken anger for fear - absolute and all-consuming fear that she had lost Jay. The fear had engulfed her.

"No,no,no stop!" He closed her locker "Tell me!"

"Tell you what?" she asked cautiously turning to him.

"what's been going on on your mind the whole day," Jay sighed. "this morning you were clearly upset about something. So tell me." he replied. She bottled up the whole day and she just burst it all out just now. He knew it wasn't just the fact that he took a risk today. There was more.

She thought about an instant about whether to tell him or not.

"Today…" she sighed still hesitant. Hailey closed her eyes, forcing the next words out. "It's been 3 years since Garett died" she looked down, trying to conceal her red eyes. It takes everything she has not to break further. Instead, she looks up at him and lets down her shields completely, showing the hurt and the loss and the bone-deep agony she's been carrying inside. Every year she deals with his disappearance and not knowing what really happened to him or where his body is makes it harder to truly move on.

Her eyes are burning as she looks up, looking for Jay with a desperate plea in their depths. They meet the other man's eyes, and she fights the urge to cry at the sympathetic pain and sadness she sees in them. She closes hers then and looks away, a dry sob escaping in a silent admittance, wonders when she'd let herself get so soft. So weak.

"And I killed a guy today and it's just…" her voice broke again. "It's just too much for a day you know…" a shaky hand ran through his hair as she closes her eyes. She's gone then, lost in a whirlwind of emotions and memories as the events of the day wash over her again, let loose from the box she'd shoved them into. And Jay feels his own throat ache at the hitch in the woman's voice.

He doesn't know what to do. He wants to say something but doesn't know what, and his indecision comes from the guilt that is squeezing his chest and getting tighter the more the other man speaks. He feels guilty because he is part of the reason of her emotional state.

As for Garett, he can understand where Hailey is coming from; what it's like to be hollow inside, to be left with only the bad parts of life. How it feels to be helpless and hopeless, lost and condemned; to be broken, and to break in return. When Matt had died, a part of Jay had died with him.

A touch brings her out of her thoughts; she opens her eyes a bit and sees greens staring directly into her own blues. There's a pause, a breath, a stillness that gapes between them, and as they stare at each other, everything stops.

"You did your job." he said softly breaking the silence. They held eye contact as he gave her a nod. She understood why he didn't say that she 'did good out there', and she was grateful. Because killing someone wasn't good. There was nothing great or amazing or good about taking another human being's life. And they both knew it. You don't deal with people, but you deal with their ghost. The person you shot has a past, a history, a family. More than the killing, the aftermath is affecting you because you see that look on their family's faces. A son. A wife. A mother. Even if the one you shot was the bad one, even if it was their choice to take the wrong way, you're the one who pressed the trigger. You're the one who took a life.

They lapse into silence, the quiet helping to soothe the headache that had begun pounding through their head during the confrontation. But silence is the language they live in. It comforts them and soothes them in a way speech never could because it held no expectations and asked for nothing in return. Silence was just silence, empty and open, capable of being filled but still as desirable when not. It was void of human trappings and emotional minefields, a neutral ground upon which to stand.

"Let's go. Your exhausted. I'll drive you home". He said.

* * *

Hailey let the hot water running down her body in droplets as she washed away the stress of the day. When she was dried and finished, she wrapped herself in a towel and stared at her tired expression in the foggy mirror.

Once she got out of the bathroom fully dressed in some comfy clothes, she made her way to the kitchen to pour herself some coffee in a cup, noticing Jay was preparing something to diner. She wasn't hungry but didn't say anything, thinking he might be. She stuck with her cup of coffee and walked back to her living room to sit on her couch.

After a few minutes, she heard him approaching. A steaming bowl of soup was slid in front of her on the coffee table, as well as a fresh beverage. She looked up to see Jay sliding into the armchair in front of the couch she was sitting in. He nodded toward the bowl. "You shouldn't drink on an empty stomach."

She rolled her eyes. "It's coffee. I doubt it's going to go straight to my head."

"True but the caffeine might keep you awake all night."

Despite her protests she picked up the spoon and took a dutiful bite. She was sure it was as good as always but it just tasted like color water to her. But she took another spoonful just the same. Then she washed it down with a sip of the fresh coffee. "What makes you think I want to sleep tonight? I know I won't be able to. Every time I close my eyes I see him. I don't want to keep reliving these moments; living through them was bad enough " she looked down to her cup.

"Copy that." Jay spoke softly "But it's going to be a rough couple of days; you'll make yourself sick if you don't eat and don't get sleep."

She nodded. For a few minutes, they ate in silence. Once their soup was finished they continued to sit there, not talking but needing each other's presence.

He nodded toward her empty cup of coffee. "Want another?"

She nodded. He got up and returned several minutes later with a full coffee pot and a chocolate box. Hailey raised an eyebrow. Jay shrugged.

"You said you didn't want to take a chance on dreaming. What better way to stay awake than by overdosing on caffeine and chocolate. Besides, those are my favorites"

A small smile appeared on her lips. She watched him reaching for one of the chocolate present in the box and savor it. He intended to stay awake all night with her, for her. She sure had the best partner everyone could ask for.

She shook her head and reached for one of them too.

She finished off the chocolate she'd started and looked over at him again. "Thank you." She paused. "For being here now when I need someone to keep me grounded. To keep me from wallowing in my own despair." She giggled slightly. He smiled back at her before popping a whole chocolate in his mouth.

"And I am sorry" she said with a more serious tone this time.

He looked confused.

"I was so caught up with arguing with you about the risk you put yourself I didn't even ask you about how you've been." She met Jay's eyes, silently apologizing for her earlier emotional reactions.

Jay shook his head. "Hailey…"

"I mean you almost died. And…well, it never feels good."

He nodded slightly, almost like he too was lost in his own thoughts. Then realization hits her. "How's your arm by the way?!" she asked, a more concern look on her face.

He smiled at her. She was deflecting. She tried to turn the attention towards him when she was the one who needed to be taken care off.

"Don't do that." He smiled at her and at her nice attempt. She exhaled, knowing he figured her out. She shook her head smiling. Once again she played with the rim of her second cup as her smile slowly fade away.

"It's feels like I'll never be able to fully move on. And I know it's been three years since he…" Even years later, she couldn't bring herself to say the word.

"died, Hailey" Jay said it for her, his blue eyes reflecting his own pain. A pain that was made worse when she visibly flinched at the word. Despite this, he pressed on. "It's okay to say it."

She shook her head. "No, it's not. It can't be okay cause it shouldn't have happened. But it did. And death doesn't let you say goodbye …"

Jay closed his eyes and leaned back against armchair. He understood that kind of guilt, that kind of pain, all too well. How many times had he wished for just a few more minutes with someone he had lost just so he could tell them the important things he never got a chance to say? He opened his eyes again.

Fresh tears filled her eyes and her lower lip quivered. "People should hear the good things while they are still alive to appreciate it you know. Why do we wait until its too late to say the important things? Why do we wait until it doesn't matter?"

Jay didn't have an answer. He gets up. Her partner always understands what she needs because after a few seconds, he's there, sitting on the coffee table right in front of her but not crowding her in any way. Jay gently runs his fingers back and forth over her hand, a soothing gesture. It's an intimate connection, and as comforting as a hug can be. She shook her head looking at them but didn't pull her hand away.

" When I understood I would never see him again, it's like time stopped. It stopped for him; it stopped for me; it stopped for everyone. Only it started back for everyone else while I'm still suspended in that moment. I'm still sitting there waiting for a miracle that's not going to happen; a miracle that will mean that he'll show up tomorrow. The world started moving again but I'm stuck waiting for someone to tell me everything is going **to be okay**." Her voice broke as she quickly wiped away a tear. "And being disgusted with people for just walking down the street like the world's the same place. _That if you had just done something different… they might still be here…_" She took a deep breath, trying to force away the few more tears beginning to pool in her eyes because of the memories her speech brought to the fore front of her mind. Jay sat next to her and pulled her into his embrace and held her close as her sobs once more overtook her.

"It still hurts, you know" she continued " it never stops hurting; no matter how long it's been and how many tears you shed. How every morning when you wake up, for a few glorious moments you forget they're gone, and everything seems like it should be, until you move and everything comes crashing back down on you. How it doesn't seem like anything will ever be right again. And everyone says to just give it time, that you'll move on after a while but"

"but you can never fully move on." He finished her phrase. "I know." he nodded. "I've learned this the hard way." Hailey kept holding him while listening to him. "But you need to think about what Garett would want, _how_ he would want you to live." She doesn't know whether it's his words or his tone that gets to her, but something does, and her expression loses some of the hardened edge. His voice is softer as well when he speaks again, and Hailey thinks that she's never heard Jay use that tone of voice before.

"And **this here**, what you're doing now? It won't help Hails. You know this won't help you; The only thing that you can do is to move forward with it, not to move on, but learn to continue living without him. Garett loved you, don't let him down." He finished. After a few instant of silence and process, he leaned in close to her ear, softly he whispered the words she wanted to hear.

"It's going to be **okay,** Hailey. I promise, it might not seem like it now but everything is going to be okay." He admitted as he kept holding her shaking body close to his.

She nodded. She accepted the comfort of his arms and the warm of his breath against the side of her face.


End file.
